Loss...

These days i really have been struggling emotionally. I find myself crying alot. Mostly because i am preparing to mourn the loss of my relationship with Gwyn. You see in another 5-6weeks we will welcome her brother. She will no longer be our only child. She will no longer have all our attention. And this i find it so hard. I battle and struggle with this every night. Sometimes i find myself hugging her so tight cause i dont wanna let this relationship go. As i hold her tears will roll down my face. It breaks my heart thinking that when her brother comes im no longer just hers alone. Im also afraid how i would manage time with her alone. Especially trying to figure out a newborn and breastfeeding is going to take away time with G. G is surrounded by so many people who loves her. Im not worried of her being neglected or forgotten just because of her brother. But im afraid of the time baby L will rob away from her. And G and i are super close. As much as i should be resting and letting grandma, mama or daddy look after her more, i really wanna take these last few weeks to really treasure my time with her. You may think its silly but the fact is some things will change. And it is a phase all mothers expecting number 2 will go through. Whats even more sentimental is that G is a preemie. Shes our lil special warrior.




I also mourn the loss of my baby. My baby will no longer be my baby anymore but a full fledged toddler, a big sister. Time.. I also mourn the loss of time because these 18months of G's life has flown by too fast. And it hurts to think one day she won't need me anymore. She will no longer wanna hang out with mummy and daddy anymore, she no longer needs to be carried or want her hands to be held. Growing up really sucks...

This journey of motherhood is not going to be easy especially for someone so sentimental and emotional like me. And there will definitely be a lot of tears shed during the first few weeks of being a mother of two. So I can only pray for strength and a lot of support.



My dearest Gwyneth,

You are my first born and will always hold a special place in my heart. Things may change, you have to be brave and know that we love you and your brother very much. Mummy may not spend as much one on one time with you when baby brother comes out. But I promise you once I understand your brother we will have our special moments again. Just know that everyone loves you so much and that will never change.

If you need and want mummy, I will always be there for you. But give me time please to adjust to your new brother. We all need time to adjust to our new family member. But I promise you mummy and daddy will never neglect you. Don't ever feel you are replaced by your brother. Cause you are irreplaceable.

Maybe you are too young to understand fully who this didi is we keep telling you about. So don't be shocked when you see him. I know you will love you brother so much cause you just have so much love to give in your tiny heart. And you are so amazing.

Mummy loves you so much. Forever and ever you will always be my Lil angel....

Week 29

I'm officially 29wks n 5 days today! The gestation week I gave birth to G and so far baby L has been doing great!! Ever so active kicking and punching me inside. No signs of any early Labour so yay!!!

We celebrated Sean's birthday over the weekend at Crown Plaza hotel cause since we can't travel why not make it seem as if we are! Haha we have staycations every year on Sean's birthday. Last year we didn't take G but we decided to take her this year. She went to Pan Pac with us in Feb to celebrate our wedding anniversary but she was too young to really enjoy or be aware that hotel stays are so fun. Haha this time she was ecstatic!!

Daddy was late at work and I was feeling frustrated being home with her alone so I grabbed our huge ass heavy staycation bag, her diaper bag and toddler, called a cab and made our way down first. Luckily we were at the airport and had trolleys. So I put G on the rectangle bit and other bags on the trolley and off we took a long walk from 1 end of terminal 3 to the hotel which was so stupid cause I could have just stopped right outside the hotel -.- but never she enjoyed her Lil ride.

Checked us in first and the room was honestly not bad(: added to our list of favorite staycation spots! Service was great too! And once we entered the room G was bouncing off the walls! Haha like literally running n climbing up and down the bed, falling right into the fluffy pillows! She was that excited and happy. So cute that made me n daddy laugh so much! She was honestly excited till the time she slept at night!

Took her to play at the Mr Bean indoor playground which I felt was so expensive for such a tiny place but she has been dying to go there since we last went to the airport and walked past it. So this time we decided to let her play to make her happier. And she was so happy laughing and running around in there! Anything to make our Lil princess happy(:

Sean and I were just saying that next year this time we will have another Lil bubba to join us on our staycation adventure! Haha

Anyways I digress.. Suppose to talk about my week 29 symptoms.

-bad back aches
-baby L's movements are so hard that it really hurts me when he/she kicks! And baby likes to kick me really low; many mums miss the kicks and flips about pregnancy but I honestly won't miss it! So painful plsss... And I still feel its a weird and magical feeling
-breathlessness; my asthma has come back. I don't know if its the haze but I'm indoors all the time. But I get super breathless. Like feel like I'm suffocated or wad and not getting enough air. Sleep has been super affected by this cause I wake up every few hours just to puff my inhaler. I have to sleep slightly elevated. And it's even worse if G sleeps on me. And I think baby L hates it when Jiejie sleeps on me. Baby L kicks even more violently and then I can't breathe. Thing is baby isn't even up my chest or ribs! Imagine if baby grows to that big and goes near my chest. By then I think I really won't be able to breathe!!
-I've had a night of random bad cramps a few nights ago. Thankfully it was only a one off thing cause the cramps were like period cramps but wasn't frequent to be contractions. The cramps also caused some pain in my back. And it happened when I was going to sleep which was so so uncomfy. I thought I had to go into Labour ward again but Yea nothing too alarming.
-I get so tired and feel so sluggish these days I honestly hate to go out but hate staying at home too cause I'm bored out of my mind!! Urggg...

Weight: 51.9kg still...
Total weight gain since Pre preg: 6.9kgs

I think that's about it for this week. Seeing my gynae and Uro on Thursday! Excited to see baby L again and find out the weight of baby(:

Really so over this pregnancy. Another 7wks and we hit full term!! Go baby go!!

Week 28

Down with UTI.. Again. Whats new right? And this week my anxiety has heightened. We are approaching week 29 which is the week i gave birth to G. So i am particularly anxious. Every pain, twitch, whether baby moves or not stresses me out.

I went to my urologist today and found out my kidneys are also swollen. That explains my super painful back pains. And then im all nauseous again today. Totally no appetite or when i eat i feel so lousy. And a few days ago i passed out some thick mucus. I was so worried it was my mucus plug but yet my gut feeling told me im fine im just being crazy paranoid. And yesterday i had some tingling pain at my belly. It only happened while i was driving back home but since i was at the hospital i thought why not go see my gynae. But i also felt some tightening at my belly and he suggested i just walk into labour ward so that can monitor me better. Yes im a woman with alot of problems -.-

Thankfully nothing is dilated or i wasnt having any contractions. My cervix wasnt open either. So everything is all good. My gynae even popped by to check on me and he suggested i take the steroid shots to speed up maturing of baby L's lungs just in case i would go into early labour. With G i only had 1 dose instead of the required 2 which i reason why she took so long to get off the oxygen aids while at the Nicu. So i do feel at ease now that my gynae has taken this precaution this time around (my gynae is different btw).

I have to go in tomorrow for my second dose. This jab is super painful!! When i took it for G i remember how painful and numbing it was. So when the nurse jabbed me just now i screamed and gosh it was the same pain -.- and mind you i do have a high threshold of pain so when i say its painful it really is!! Its been 6hrs since i took the jab and my butt still hurts. Fml

I have faith in baby L that he will make it further than G. But once i cross the 30weeks then i will feel better.

Soon we will be a family of 4. Sean and i are really excited to all the craziness! Haha

Week 26

Did not write about the past few weeks cause everything is pretty much the same. But one weird thing that changed was peeing. Because of my medical condition and augmentations i have in my insides, i cant pee normally. Like sit on the toilet and pee like every normal female. Ive been using a cathetar since birth. When i was 6 my mum taught me how to do it on my own just before i went to primary school. When i had to pee when i was in kindergarten, she had to come at specific times to help me. A bit of a back story. This is why im so susceptible to UTIs and all cause it is a foreign object entering my body. On the plus side when im forced to use dirty public toilets or squat toilets (especially when i travel) im blessed because i stand and pee and dont have to sit and touch the dirty toilet bowls. I will always be like this for life. Ive gotten used to it and its a norm to me! Initially i was embarrassed and found it such a hassle. And i was afraid of what my future partner would think about it. Sean has never seen me as being imperfect with a medical condition. Instead hes more concerned especially when i come down with UTIs and while being pregnant with G, he was concerned if my body could take it having no experience in such area. Actually we all were so uncertain on what to expect and all. I really suffered while being pregnant with G whenever i had UTIs. Poor sean had to endure my cries every night.

Now with baby2, we kinda know that we must prevent my UTIs and all. And with this pregnancy, it seems a lil easier now. The morning sickness was worse but i only had two UTI episodes and i remember with G i was crying every night and i really hated being pregnant. I still hate the process of being pregnant but its much more tolerable.

Anyways with this pregnancy, i can now spontaneously pee without the use of a cathetar. Which is both good and bad. Good because its like a change in my medical condition bad because i pee myself which is super annoying. If my bladder is slightly fuller, i pee myself -.- sometimes im in public and it really sucks!! Happened once in taiwan and we were stuck in a car on a road trip. Sometimes sean and i will be out and i will just stop and stand stationary. He used to ask me wth am i doing. Now he knows. Haha or i will be carrying G at home and i will have to immediately drop her and rush to the toilet.

Baby's kicks has been super strong too. stronger than G. But now i realise he loves to kick me so down below that i feel him at my down there sometimes!! Which is honestly a very bizarre and creepy feeling. Like hes going to punch or kick his way out. And it is painful too! So i believe he has turned yet hence his limbs are stretching and reaching all the way down below.

Oh and my back is starting to hurt. Sigh... Im honestly not very big still though. Most days i can be in baggy home clothes and my mother in law's friends wont know im pregnant. Or i can be wearing a loosely fitted top or dress and people still cant tell im pregnant (i get banged into in public still. Wtf). So yea sean says i just look fat -.- ive gained about 4.5kgs as of now. I started off at 45kgs, lost 2kgs along the way and now im slowly hitting 50kgs.

Going for our 26 week check up on Thursday and sean and i are always excited cause we get to see how baby is doing. And i also get to "complain" about my weird symptoms and get reassurance by my gynae that everything is going well.

Week 14, 15 and 16

Weird food cravings: (eating foods I don't normally eat at all!)
-chicken rice with black sauce
-sunny side up with rice n black sauce
-char Siew rice

And then I was feeling horrible on Wednesday. I was sluggish n lethargic. Then I realize why. I had cream sauce pasta. And this time around diary seems to be my trigger for my nausea. Very very weird...

Week 15
So I've been having these painful period pike cramps since Monday morning and a strong gravity pull down there. I had this with G but at a later part and I vaguely remember it was quite close to the day I delivered. Ive been babywearing G quite a bit over the weekend in our tula so that could have caused this discomfort? I don't know but it's quite pain when I stand or walk. I'm fine when I'm lying in bed. Thought I would wait it out and have complete bed rest today but Sean thinks I should go get it checked out. Hope I can get a last minute appointment later today. Its like intense cramps I used to get during my period. I've been checking for sdifferentnd thankfully nothing so I'm not too worried. But just that these cramps are so difficult to live with especially when I have to carry a 9kg toddler.

Gynae prescribed me with a progesterone hormone pill to stablise the pregnancy if i was having any mild contractions. So the cramps Were other because my uterus was growing or mild contractions. I took the pills for a week and my cramps have been gone. So maybe it was mild contractions? Cause when my uterus was growing with G it never was cramps. It was a different kind of stretching pain.

Week 16
It feels like ive been preggers for a dam long time. And im not even half way there. Fml seriously. This week im down with a flu and cough. Think i caught it from G. And the nausea seems to have creeped back -.- and because of the flu im even more fatigued and lethargic.

To add on i was just hit by a huge wave of tummy ache. The one where u accidentally take too much laxatives and it gives you a stabbing pain. I didnt get constipation with G but this pregnancy im definitely getting in. Sorry a bit TMI but i was in so much pain i couldnt poop or even fart!!!! Like wtf?! I was breaking out in cold sweat n trembling. I camped in the toilet for 30mins n nothing. I got desperate so i smeared ruyi oil on my tummy n waited for a miracle. Finally after an hour i could poop n i felt so much better. Im still feeling super weak n trembly though. Sighhh. Such a different pregnancy im having. Its like whatever i know about my symptoms and what to.expect should be thrown out of the window. Lol

Week 22

Week 22
So we went away to taiwan without G for 5 days. We missed her like mad but was such a good break for sean n i. Like we got to reconnect again and just spend some quality time together with no distractions (though baby2 was a slight distraction cause his kicks and punches can be very painful at times!) Sean looked out for me so well and made sure i was okay throughout the trip. I had so much anxieties going on this trip so he did ease me a lil by making me comfy.. Making sure i didnt walk too much and watched where i was stepping on. Oh and constantly reminding me to pee!

Dont know if i mentioned this but if my bladder is too full... I pee myself. And i peed myself once during the trip and boy was it uncomfy to sit in the car for 1.5hrs with soiled underwear -.- fml and sorry if its tmi!

Symptoms this week..
-pressure down below; ive been feeling this sometimes especially when i walk too much and will have to rest a while and im fine. But resting doesn't seem to be working anymore. Hmm i had this with G and i dont know what is causing this pressure/pull. Quite worried actually so i may pop by the labour ward tomorrow night or something just to get checked out thoroughly.

-itchy stomach; im thinking could be stretch marks forming but so far no sight of them! I didnt get any stretch marks with G so i pray i don't get them this time

-nausea; hello nausea again. Sigh my biggest trigger: onions!!! Like anything with onions make me so sick after my meal. I had pesto pasta with a shit load of onions before my flight back and boy did i suffer on that flight. Urggg.... So weird though cause i LOVE onions n onions of all things that trigger my nausea?! So random please

Week 13

Started week 13 on Tuesday. Just when I was starting to feel better with the nausea it hit me again. It loves to haunt me again just when I'm getting over it!

I attended a school orientation and frankly I almost vomitted in my mouth. Nausea was one of the factors but the admin person who did the presentation spoke horrible broken English which made me sick and cringe. Yea that bad.

I've been having some slight cramps n I do feel some slight tugging whenever I flip from one side to the other.

And I've been craving so much food but again no appetite. But weirdest food I've been eating for 2 days in a row... Sunny side up (but cooked more thoroughly) with rice and tomato ketchup/black sauce. Wtf?! Firstly I don't fancy much sunny side up. Like of all the eggs that's my least favorite. And I hate black sauce. So this kinda weirded me a bit. But it's simple cooking so that's another plus point.

Week 9

Well by far my worse week ever. My worse nightmare happened: I came down with the dreaded UTI which was accompanied by a series of horrible symptoms

-fever
-hot internal body
-cold external body (chills n shakes)
-throbbing headache
-poor appetite
-fatigue
-high fever
-worse nausea I ever had

At one point my body literally rejected fluids. N whatever I ate came out instantly. There was 1 day I gave up eating entirely (my 13mths daughter was eating more than me) cause my nausea was so terrible.

I cried like mad last week. I felt like giving up and I hated Sean. Thankfully he let me scream at him and it made me a lot better. I moved back to my place and all was good again.

I was a horrible mother to G cause I really didn't have the strength to carry her. She kept calling out "mama mama" but I couldn't reach out to her. Sigh broke my heart. But when I'm home at least I don't have to drag my weak self down the stairs just to be with her.

Feeling a lot better now. Finally tolerating food and actually eating a bit more normally. The vomiting episodes have stooped so far. THANK GOD! But I got this very weird rib pain like someone punched me and it hurts like a bitch. Oh and my throbbing headache never seems to go away.

Another week down.... Approaching week 10 and in 2 weeks finally a detailed scan of baby2!

Week 8

Growing a human is really stressful! And I'm honestly my worse nightmare. I keep having these delusions about miscarriage. And I have legit reasons:

1) I'm on medication now. Medications which the doctor checked and I googled which say its safe for pregnancy but how sure is it?! These are medications I'm unfamiliar with.
Oh yes and I was prescribed a medication that COULD cause cleft palate but as written on the description paper in the box it says results are inconclusive as subjects were on other medication too. But there is a possibility no? Luckily I read the paper cause needless to say I wouldn't dare take the risk and I didn't even take that medicine at all.

2) my body is already so weak and I'm still breastfeeding G (we have embarked on our weaning process but that will take a while). And I havnt been eating very well. So how much nutrients is shrimp really getting?! I don't know... But I hope its enough for him/her to grow healthily.

So you see... My thoughts in my head are pure evil. My girlfriend keep saying I find things to worry about which I shouldn't. Sigh she's right. But what to do. My brain is my worse enemy. It sends me to a different world and destroys me.

(Wednesday 27th may)
By far my worse day ever!! Nausea hit me at 1am. I puked and puked into the sink. Felt a lot better and could finally go to bed. When I woke up it was another story.

I had giddy spells and all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I went downstairs to drop G wif my mil and even that took me many breaths and tired me out right away. I climbed back into bed and off to sleep I went. Woke at 2pm, had lunch and puked again -.- thankfully my mum was coming to pick us up. Cause I really felt bad staying in bed all day at my in laws.

Came back home.. Ate a Lil.. Puked again. I puked too many times to remember today. N my throat was burning from all the acid backing up on my throat. Sigh... I'm all puked out and tired. This time it was the hardest of all. Even with G I was never like this. Sigh.. Why why do I have to go through nausea?! Why can't I be those women who breeze through their whole pregnancy?! I feel like death as taken over me. 

Week 7

This week my Lil shrimp is a blueberry. There was one time we called G blueberry. I still remember I was in London, Borough Market and saw a pack of blueberries and sent a photo to Sean. Can't believe she was that tiny. Now Lil shrimp is that tiny too.

I've been paralyzed in bed all day. But I really don't know if its the nausea or fatigue but I just refuse to get out of bed. I don't know how the working mums do it!!! Like pregnant and still having to hold a 9-6 job. Madness.

Doesn't help that my cough hasn't gone away at all. Because there are limited choices of cough syrups my pregnant body can take. And I'm already so weak so someone explain to me how to fight this virus on my own? Siannn..

My appetite has been great since last night. After gagging and puking I finally felt better. So I messaged le husband to take me to supper! Yay (: I love that when I'm pregnant my husband becomes pregnant with me too. Like today he said "I grow with you ma!" Haha so true.. So he picked me up n we drove to get my wanton mee craving satisfied (: we had supper and watched The Maze Runner. Y did we wait so long to watch such an awesome movie? Omg slowwww...

Then tonight because he went back to seletar, I had to have supper on my own :( but I had macs!! Cause I mysteriously found Macs at home so yay!! With a bad bad cough I gobbled down a medium sized fries n 1/2 a fiery pepper burger! Now its almost 1 and I'm still hungry -.- good in a way cause at least I now shrimp is going to take all this food n grow strong n healthy! Go shrimp together we work hard to keep u inside as long as possible!

Oh hello morning sickness

And there I was thinking I could escape the horrible gagging and gastric juices in my mouth. Week 6 for G was the worse for my nausea. I couldn't eat and I puked quite a bit. With lil shrimp.. Well it was manageable. I had my appetite and I thought wow I could cruise through this.

Pfftt... Lies. Today's nausea hit me like a boss. And the fatigue.. Omg all I did was roll around the bed cause I was that lethargic and the nausea didn't make wanting to get out of bed any easier. I puked twice today. Puked out bits of my frozen pie and I just puked out gastric juices? Urrggg... Y morning sickness yyyyyy!!!? Y torture me like this!!!

The hardest part of my pregnancy with G was the nausea and infections (UTI which came along with high fevers and body chills). I'm just praying this time around my body will adjust better. The nausea just proved how erratic it can be!

Ahhh nausea please stay away from me this weekend! I need to feel like a human and go out and do things! I've been stuck home for the past 1.5weeks cause of G's, my illness and this erratic nausea. Sighhhh

In other news, my mum was staring at G and she said "OK la can have a other one. Shes so cute. The next one will be dam cute too!" Haha... Looks like things are getting better...

And I asked daddy to guess your gender. To us boy or girl doesn't matter as long as you are healthy and I can carry you further than 29weeks!

But then I'm scared. What is it like to be heavily pregnant? I didn't feel any contractions with G so what if I do this time? How do they feel like? What if my water bag breaks? How would I feel? Hmm so many questions which I have no experience in dealing with. Its both terrifying but exciting.

(Its now 1.10am and your sister is happily shouting at grandma. LOL)

Letters to my lil shrimp

Dear Lil shrimp,

Yes mummy n daddy have decided to nickname you as such cause daddy loves his hobby (u will find out soon enough when u are born) n the baby app did say when we found out about u, u were the size of a Lil shrimp. So how fitting!

Firstly mummy wants to apologize to u. I've been feeling all this negativity and uncertainty over u for the past few days and weren't really embracing everything. Its all due to shock and the trauma your sister gave me and everything still scares me as it was just about a year ago that I had her. All my feelings and trauma are still so raw. And I was so afraid on how your grand parents will react. Mummy doesn't have a job for now. So financially daddy n partially your grand parents have to pay. So having a second child just doesn't make any sense and it is worrying. That was my biggest worry cause I don't ever want you to have anything lesser than your sister. But daddy reassured me that he will take care of finances and we are okay. I trust him so that lessened one of my worries. But this would definitely be the ultimate worry of your grand parents (being realistic and all).

I told your grandma and she didn't take it too well either. She said everything is so fast. Her biggest worry is like daddy, will my body be able to take it since I haven't rested long enough and also my medical condition complicated things even more. I was honest and decided to let her know the first cause I needed someone to confide in about all this negativity that I shouldn't be having. But she didn't help much. Its the shock too honestly. But know that she reacted the same way as when I told her about your sister. But don't you worry cause your grandparents and family will love you just as much. Trust me when I say they love your sister so much given the circumstances. So I'm dam sure they will love you just as much too!

Finally today I confided in some mummies I met in an online community. All of them have given me some wise and kind words of encouragement letting me know I am not alone and will always have support. And I was watching the last episode of greys anatomy where I saw the image of a newborn baby being wheeled to see his badly injured father. At that moment I felt that instant spark of connection with you. I don't know how to describe it but the surge of happiness and love came rushing into me.

Forgive me for a took a few days but I am embracing you. I pray for good health and good growth for you my Lil shrimp. Together we will work hard to keep you inside me long enough. I don't ever want you to suffer and be apart from us like your sister did for 2 months. It was agonizing for all of us. So be well my child!

I am now a proud mummy of 2. I really can't wait to meet you (but as I said stay longer inside please).

PS... My mummy instinct tells me you are a boy. Hmmm

I love you even before you are born. And always remember that both you and your sister are very special to mummy and daddy.

Bake well!

Love,
Mummy

Baby2?

Last night was horrible enough having to battle my sick Lil princess. She isn't the cranky whiny kind (thank goodness) but I had a sleepless night having to monitor her fever and I just couldn't sleep. Personally I battled with weird cramps n bots of nausea which I had that sickening feeling of WHAT IF its #2? But I brushed it off thinking it was fatigue cause I hardly slept due to G's illness.

Then I woke up feeling even more exhausted, nauseous, breathless when I walked up and down the stairs these symptoms all too familiar. I messaged Sean and tears started welling in my eyes. Honestly I'm not ready for #2. I thought I was but seeing how amazing G is and how much love for G I have... I keep thinking to myself "will I be able to love #2 like how much I love G?" And whenever I looked at G I just felt so bad with the possibility of maybe cause I don't wanna have to share my love I have for G with another child.

Sean and I always planned for 2 kids. And I always wanted close age gaps but now that there could be a possibility I froze. The thought about having the juggle a toddler with weird sleeping habits, nausea, fatigue and a busy schedule, I'm honestly so worried.

We had a few pregnancy scares a few months ago which totally was dam off cause we took extra care. But at that point when the test came back negative I was a little disappointed as I thought I was ready for #2. Now that there is a possibility, I'm scared to my bones.

By the way I did take a pregnancy test just then which 2 lines appeared. Fml. I'm kinda hoping because it was a cheap one it was faulty.

Booked an appointment for tomorrow to confirm everything. I don't know what to hope for anymore. Cause if baby is growing inside now, I don't wanna reject it cause it can feel my emotions. But yet I have so much worries and stresses. All I know is that I'm super emotional today. Like I look at G and sob.. I hug G and sob. Sighhh...

(Dear baby2 if you exist and if you come across this post one day... Mummy is just in shock so I'm saying all this. And I'm also not sure with how I'm feeling or I'm dealing with everything. So please forgive me if I wrote anything that hurt you. Just know that you are special to mummy and daddy despite all the circumstances. You have a great sister so don't you worry. I know she will love you cause she has the biggest and most compassionate heart ever. For now grow strong and big and stay inside as long as you can. Please don't be like your sister so eager to see the world and pop out so early. Thank you!) 

G is officially 1 years old!

I'm still alive!! I've got tons of drafts which need to be uploaded but just waiting for the right time to do so. So please bear with me while I prep all that up! But its some juicy news! Here's a pic of G which I absolutely find super adorable. Wish it wasn't so pixelated though but it was a zoom in pic. I don't know about you but she's maturing too fast. Like her face changes everyday and its getting more mature? Lol luckily she's small size so strangers do come up to me and ask me "how old is she?" Thinking she is below 1. Oh yes today is 26th June 2015 which is her actual 1yrs old!!!

Oh we have come a looongggg way! From this tiny being to this..



Actually more like this foetus alien looking thing to a healthy strong baby!

We have been very blessed. Or rather God is really looking out for G. He has blessed her with such good health over the year and she only ever fell so sick last month. If you have been following me through my pregnancy to her birth and her growing years.. Well there is so much more to come! Shes also embarking on another journey together with sean and i. As a family we will grow stronger and deal with whatever hurdles and life changes together as a family!

Dearest G, you are officially 1 now (how great is that you get to celebrate 2 birthdays?). You came out 2months early. Yes we were worried mad. But looking back you wouldnt be the strong warrior and a lil girl full of wisdom if you had waited till full term. I believe your nicu journey made you the strong, determined lil girl you are today. And plus we got to enjoy 2 extra months with you to marvel how a small tiny being can strive and survive outside the womb. You are mummy and daddy's pride and joy; our biggest accomplishment. You have such unique relationships with everyone around you. Because your bubbly personality wins the hearts of everyone. We cant wait to see what an amazing lil girl you will become and what great things you will achieve. We love you with all our hearts G!

Moving forward

I've been a stay at home mum (sahm) for more than a year now. I've graduated from university for 1.5years. I'm still jobless. Do I regret doing the reverse: graduating, getting married then having a kid? No I don't. I absolutely love how my life has fallen into place.

Yes I had big plans. When I graduated I wanted to take a year to job hop and experience different things and find something I absolutely love and slowly build my career for 2-3 years. Then head to Melbourne to do my Masters in Monash. By then I would be 24/25 and have attained my Masters then get married to Sean and have a kid that very year.

Well obviously plans changed. Looks like now I will still be getting my Masters when I'm 24 but with little work experience or no career. But to me at least I know I have my certifications and I am doing some volunteering on the sides now. And I have the first few years to be with my child and watch her grow. When she's in kindergarten being busy with her life.. I will too as I start building my career. I know some people who only start their career at 25 too. But do they have a beautiful family like me? Nope. So I'm truly blessed.

Friends my age are either in their last year of uni or have just graduated, taking a gap year before they embark on their career or looking for jobs. Some are still partying, not attached or no where near finding a life partner. To each his own. But I'm truly blessed with everything I've got now.

A few days ago I felt pressured that I still don't have a career. But hey everyone's  paths are and will be different. There's no "correct" path on how you should be living your life or achieving what are what age. I know I'm not being a bum cause I'm constantly looking out for opportunities. But plans are constantly changing. Something exciting will happen soon and embracing all these change of plans.

Through the past few weeks I've learnt to live my own life and not bother about what and how others will look at me. Its exhausting to keep up with unnecessary comments and all the negativity. So meh... I'm happy can already!

2 children's emergency visits and 1 GP visit

On tuesday morning around 4am, sean and i got woken up by G's weird chesty and wheezy cough. But she still appeared very happy, busy talking and singing away. Luckily i checked her temperature cause i was battling with myself on whether to bring her to kkh. Her temp was 38 degrees. And we rushed down to kkh. Poor baby caught a viral infection. Was given a steroid med and we had to stay there for another 2hours so doctors can monitor her breathing and then oxygen level. Thankfully after 2hours she was discharged! Sean and i were exhausted cause we didnt sleep at all. She slept around 9am and off to bed i went too! Thankful sean took the afternoon off to help me look after G.

Then came night time where her fever suddenly spiked. My poor mum could hardly sleep as she was sponging her making sure she doesnt burn her brain. That was the start of her fever flactuating and all. Most exhausting next few days as she would be well one minute and the next her fever would be 39 and shes whiny and needy as hell. Which was very cute by the way! Haha

Thursday came and we decided to bring her to the GP again cause her fevers were high enough to be alarming. She had an ulcer at the back of her throat on tuesday which was the cause of infection but that was gone by thursday. So it was puzzling why her fever was still so high. But there was nothing much to be done as shes too young for antibiotics or cough syrups.

Then came friday where her fever hit the highest 40.1degrees! I made the decision to rush her to kkh and thankfully we didnt have to wait long because there were so many sick kids! G was happily talking and responding to the doctor despite a high fever so he wasnt too worried about the infection evolving into something more serious. By then i had came down with a flu and cough already. Dam this stupid virus seriously. She took a blood test and we waited an hour for the results and it came back clear. So we were sent home again

Saturday came.. I woke up with a fever, bad sore throat, cough and flu. Great I have officially been infected. Not a good time for me to fall sick at all!! I battled my fever and still went for a good friend's birthday party. But I was quiet as a mouse cause by night time my sore throat was so bad I couldn't even talk!!

By 12am I asked Sean to take me to a 24hour clinic cause I couldn't take it anymore. Waited 1hour plus cause for some reason everyone chose to be sick at this time too. Doctor says i was really weak (that i shall talk about why another time) Spent $190 (more ex than ane by the way but honestly best $190 I spent cause I do feel better after all the medications) Came home and popped all my pills and went to bed. My fever kept coming and going too. The amount of phlegm I had spat or sneezed out could probably fill a 1.5l PET bottle. Every time I swallow it feels like 2 crusty rocks rubbing against each other. Really FML this time.

Thankfully G's fever hasn't come back the whole of tonight. I guess she's better cause she's drinking my milk and she has passed the virus to me -.-

Now my sis and mum are coming down with a flu. But I'm so thankful for my family especially my mum for looking after G over the past few days. My mum hasn't fallen as sick like me despite having G sleep with her and not having much sleep either. I would have taken care of G on my own if I weren't so sick. So I'm thankful and G is blessed to have a loving grandma.

G and I are staying at my mum's this week as I'm too weak to look after her on my own and we don't wanna spread our nasty germs to the kids and family in the other house. Sean is also coughing already. So its best we 3 stay as far away as possible from each other. Hoping I get well by tomorrow!!

The most exhausting and trying week ever! G has never fallen this sick over the past year and I'm so thankful for that. This time there is some nasty virus going around and infecting all the children! Cause I know a few other friends kids who are down too. Sighhh... Must be the weird weather too.

Be gone virus!!!

Hello baby2 (week 6)

Today we headed to the gynae to confirm everything. I went in with mix feelings, very confused. Somehow while waiting the feeling of being pregnant was gone, unlike yesterday when I was crampy and nauseous like hell. So I thought a slight chance that the pregnancy test I took yesterday was a dam lie.

To all mothers

There are many kinds of mothers in this world... those that gave birth to a healthy full term baby, breastfeeding mothers, those mothers who struggle with breastfeeding and are forced to give formula. Mothers with terminal disease but yet they fight through it for the sake of their child, mothers with children who suffer from terminal disease who have to fight strong to cheer their bubs up, surrogate mothers; babies who arent theirs but is it possible to detach yourself away from a foetus who clearly isnt yours but you carried for 10 whole months? Mothers who donate their eggs to let other women who are infertile have a child; morally and ethically it isnt your child but it has your genes and may somehow look a bit like you. Working mothers who juggle a 9-6pm job who dread leaving their child behind and have little time with their child, full time mothers who devote their life to their child, giving up their personally space and time to be with their child 24/7. Single mothers who decided to be brave and be a father and a mother to their child. Teen mums who made a mistake and although still a child themselves have to grow up very fast to be a responsible mother. Mothers who are in an abusive marriage but yet soldier on and do whatever it takes to protect their child.

And then there are mothers like me.... who spent my first mothers day in the nicu cheering my little bub along. No one wishes to be a mother like me. I remember last year during mothers day i just bawled my eyes out during lunch with Sean cause all i saw were families smiling and spending a special day with their children while mine was in the hospital fighting. All i wanted to rob her away from the hospital and bring her home to be with me.

Fast forward this year, I am truly blessed to be Gwyneth's mother. I never expected being a mother can be so rewarding and fulfilling. I am lucky enough to be with her for the past year and still continuing so. We have such a great and close bond; Im proud to say I cant even pee in peace cause all she wants is me. HAHA.

Whatever mother you are... just know that you are doing the best you can, being the best mother you can be for your child. And though G is so young, I know she knows that Im doing the best I can to fulfill my role as her mother.

So HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL! you deserve it great mothers (:

Where the Yangs dine: The missing pan

(Currently G is sitting on my lap as I type this post out. too many distractions and pauses cause she keeps touching the keyboard!!)

Going to add another segment to my blog which is to write about food. During our dating days Sean and I would scout for good brunch places. Trust me when I say there was one time we had eggs and truffle fries every weekend for brunch! No guessing which are my favorite kind of brunch food.

We have been to too many places that I can't remember. I even have a list of places to go and that list was created 2-3years ago and we have not even covered half but yet new interesting brunch places keep popping up!

On Saturday (2nd may 2015) we decided to give The Missing Pan a try since I've read some good reviews on their famous French toast.

Pushed the glass door and we saw 4 tables, a lift and a glass window which the kitchen where they bake can be seen. Tiny little first floor. We were shown to the lift and up the second floor we went. But the lift was tiny and it could not hold the weight of 2 grown men, 2 women and a baby so my sister's boyfriend took the stairs.

We were greeted and given the menus by a very friendly and hospitable male staff. He walked away and came back when a set of plastic cutleries for G.

I love how they paid attention to little details like for babies. We always eat out with G very often and most places always give us big Ikea kiddie cutlery which obviously isnt suitable for G at the moment cause it can barely fit in her tiny mouth. I was pleasantly surprised that they actually provided her with a Munchkin baby spoon! We always bring her own cutleries but it was definitely a nice and fresh touch to our dining experience (:

So as mentioned I LOVE LOVE anything truffle! well who doesnt right? Their truffle fries were good! But only for fans of cheese as they really sprinkled alot of cheese. Fries were fried to perfection but felt that the cheese was a tad bit too overwhelming that it kinda masked the truffle taste. 

My sister ordered their pork belly eggs benedict since it was one of their popular dishes. But she felt the meat was too tough and dry. Eggs were runny though. Overall my sister and her boyfriend did not feel it was a great brunch. they have had better. 

(spot tiny baby hands) 

I ordered the beef and chicken skewer french toast which was another of their popular dishes. I loved the beef cause it was tender and flavourful. But to me having fruits with meats were a bit weird; interesting new concept but interesting. Also because i dont really like savoury and sweet food mixed together. The fried chicken skewer was really yummy. Something like pop corn chicken but nicer! G enjoyed the french toast for sure! She does a happy dance whenever she likes something shes eating. For me the meats were the star of the dish not the french toast. 

I ordered the strawberry lemonade which i LOVED. They have pretty interesting drinks on their menu. Sweet, tangy and gassy. this was a great compliment to my meal

Overall i think my sister, her boyfriend and husband did not have a fantastic experience. I was half half. To me the great service made up for the medicore/over-rated food. I wish i got the name of the staff that served us. Cause he was really friendly not only to us but to G as well. He talked and played with G; served her the menu and asked her playfully what she wanted to eat. To me when a server takes the extra mile to even serve/entertain a baby, it shows how much he enjoys his job. This is called going the extra mile to make a customer have a memorable experience. This is the first kind of experience we had that the waiter actually took the initiative to interact with our baby. G often attracts attention whenever we go out but this was more than a "oh shes so cute" kind of service. So props to that waiter! 

Food: 3/5 

Ambiance: 4/5

Service: 6/5 !!

Shall end this post with my favourite picture of my 2 loves. G is so sweet... she really knows the way to melt your heart. Definitely daddy's lil girl. 

Gwyneth's magical pony 1st birthday

Finally getting my butt down to blog about G's first birthday. And i did mention in a few posts back i will be sharing where i got the stuffs for the party and all. 

(PS: none of these are sponsored. I sourced and paid everything, except for candy)

Picking a theme was never difficult. in fact i knew what theme i wanted the day she was born (or even earlier haha!) Since she was born in the year of a horse and shes a girl, My Little Pony was the theme. It was a no brainer since i love all these magical and rainbow. 

We rented some toys as there would be a couple of kids. We didnt want a party that was boring where children sat around and did nothing. And I managed to find a very affordable toy rental company. Got a small bouncy castle and a small play gym for the babies. Additional green tunnel was our own which we got from Ikea. 

Toys from: http://www.toys4rent.sg

Though they arrived a bit late to set up, it is unavoidable since it was a saturday and many childrens parties fall on that day. They did clean and sanitise the toys before leaving which I felt was good! i mean kids germs and all. And the toys were in good condition. The person in charge were flexible too. I managed to negotiate and change some of the party combos they have. So if you see toys you want and arent in the combo package, feel free to email Deborah and she can work something out. 

Customised candy from: Made In Candy (Sponsored since it is our own company) 

Ive always wanted a dessert table since my wedding but getting people to do them is so expensive. I love that companies do personalise things and all but really for the money i rather save it and do it myself. So I customised a banner with a picture of G, with her name and ponies on it. Graphics, price and quality were great!

Banner from: http://signtech.com.sg/printing-services/

All balloons from: http://www.wowletsparty.com/

Store:  69 Moulmein Road #01-81 S(300069)

Big Unicorn, First birthday bouquet, 35 latex balloons, 1 walking unicorn and 12 small foil My Little Pony. 

I got a basic balloon package from them which was $90 and added the other balloons.   http://www.wowletsparty.com/birthday-package-a/

I ordered these customised lil steam nutella cakes for the dessert table. Alot of people loved it and it had generous amount of nutella. 

Steam cakes from: https://www.facebook.com/littlesweettoothbakes?fref=ts

Old school animal, gem and alphabet biscuits from: Biscuit King 

Address: 130 Casuarina Road 

Baskets of mini breads: Four Leaves

Then we made little rainbow marshmellow balls using fruity pebbles. And then daddy made the rice krispy treats using rice krispy cereal puffs. 

Very easy to make. Just put a little bit of butter and marshmellows in a plastic bowl and microwave till it completely melts. then mix fruit pebbles or rice krispy and its done! 

Daddy hard at work 

We printed these huge MLP ponies for decor cause its just too cute! haha

This was G at the start of party when guests started slowly streaming in. She was obviously tired and totally not having fun. haha we managed to put her to sleep for a while while we waited for more guests to come. and by the time the hall was filled she was up and all ready to party! 

Lil Aiden

Finding a cake wasnt much of a challenge either as I knew i did not want to pay an exorbent amount on fondant cakes and I havent found a place which i really liked yet. I had a jelly cake once for my birthday when i was 8. So i thought of a jelly cake immediately and im thankful i did cause everyone raved about the cake!! i was super impressed that she managed to draw up the ponies in a jelly shape!! and mind you that can be eaten too! not only was she affordable but the art work was spot on!! taste was great too! not too sweet and texture was bouncy just like how a jelly should be. im happy to say i have found my official cake person if i ever wanna do jelly cakes again! 

But really the picture doesnt do the cake justice. but im glad all my guests managed to see it up close and everyone had all praises for it! 

Jelly cake from: https://www.facebook.com/BarbieJellyCake?fref=ts

G was so happy that day. Her smile lighted up the room and she made my heart sing. nothing makes me happier then seeing her happy and even though she probably wont remember her 1st party, i know she had fun! 

with my young parents clan. both who are gywneth's boyfriends! haha

Aunty and her lil bubba

Mama and Kong Kong with their Famous 5 grand children

4 generations 

Daddy managed to capture these pure sweet and happy moments of our lil angel 

Grandpa had so much fun with the birthday girl too. taking her on the castle and playing with her. moments like this im glad i have these pictures. these pictures are priceless. 

we have watched each other grow. from those wild drunk days to having families of our own...

I really felt it was my birthday! haha but since it was a magical pony theme obviously i had to dress to fit the theme right. everyone was wondering whose party it was! haha 

And finally my niece with the 2 giant ponies. 

Still cant believe G is 1 years old already. amazing how time has flown by. but then again because she is premature she really isnt 1 yet. so i get to celebrate her officially being 1 on 26th june again. I marvel at how much she has grown and how amazingly healthy she is. 

At 1 years old (corrected age 10mths) G can... 

-say 'mama, dada, nana, yaya, papa and other gibberish words'

-crawls super fast 

-climbs on the table 

-climbs out of a high chair and climbs onto the table 

-cruising 

-she loves steam egg, udon, fried rice, noodles, cakes, pao, french toast, pancakes 

-knows how to clap her hands

-feed herself using her hands 

-feed herself using a small fork 

-knows how to do the action of 'no more'

-waves 

-does a happy dance whenever she loves whatever she is eating 

-pulls the dogs ears and tail, pulls the cats fur 

-chases the cat/finds the cat 

-squeals in excitement whenever she sees the cat 

-cuddles with the dog 

-knows how to crawl up stairs 

-loves the slide and indoor playground 

-loves the ball pit 

-knows the word 'shake' and she will shake the bottle she is holding 

-knows how to play dead (she would fall backwards when we go "BANG") its really hilarious 

-she is super clingy to me (breastfeeding mother problems)

being a mother to this lil angel has been the most rewarding and my greatest achievement of my life. im truly blessed that God gifted us this amazing warrior; she fought for her life during the first 2 months and since then she has been perfectly healthy. out of this 1 year she has never really fallen sick and has taken her immunisation jabs very well too. she has only gotten slight flus and coughs which go away pretty fast. she is a blessed child and im proud that she is mine.