36wks n 6days/6wks n 1 day old: paranoia

It's nw 3.30am n I'm still up. Why cuz I'm buying baby related stuffs online. Ever since becoming a mum, I find more joy buying such things nw than clothes shoes or bags. 

Anyways I was jus randomly browsing Aussie baby online stores n gosh their stuffs they offer are extensive n unique!!! Wish Singapore carries such cool stuff. But anyways I came across this baby movement monitor. Basically it monitors ur baby's movement when they sleep n will alert u if baby stops breathing. It tracks the movement of the stomach as baby breathes. If baby stops breathing... A slight vibrate will alert the baby n if baby doesn't respond, an alarm will ring to notify the caregiver to wake baby up. 

Baby gwyn has been having this breathing problem since day 1. Given tt she is a preemie n I onli got 1 out of the 2 shots to mature her lungs. As her gestation date gets nearer (which is wat I estimate to be the day she comes home) I'm excited but yet paranoid. Wifout those hospital baby monitors monitoring her heart rate n breathing.. Hw can I sleep in peace!!? I actually for see myself nt sleeping for the 1st few wks or so n jus stare at her sleep to make sure she is breathing. I'm nw at ease tt I bought this monitor thingy so at least I can sleep better. Plus preemies are more at risk of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). 

I noe it works cuz I've watched video reviews posted by parents n they all swear by it though sometimes it gives off false alarms. But false alarms are better than no alarms at all. 

I searched all over the web to buy it in Singapore n finally found it cuz I rather buy it locally so if it spoils or watever it has a warranty n all. It's rather expensive but meh such money realli can't be saved when it comes to the life of ur child. When I get it n realli try it n it works well... I will do a review n link on whr to buy it frm! 

Onto updates on baby gwyn... 

She had a wkly eye examination n thank The Lord n many prayers she doesn't hav ROP!!! Whooooo last wk her left eye showed stage 1 but this wk it cleared! So yay! 

But yea she had another blood transfusion yesterday nite cuz she kept desating (her breathing) so hoping it is effective n she stops desating. Her breathing is still weak so pls keep praying for my princess! 

Other than tt she's doing well! N doctors n nurses told us tt she wil outgrow her this breathing problem so she jus needs more time. 

K off to bed! I hav to wake up in less than 3hrs to pump! OMG 

35wks n 4days/5wks n 6days old: like a deflated balloon

Im currently at the hospital pumping milk out for my princess but feeling super heavy hearted 

I walked into the nicu n be4 I got to her cot a nice pretty n soft spoken nurse said "must be sad seeing her back on the CPAP again." My heart stopped n my mind went "waddddd!? Noooo whyyyyyy!!?" She graduated frm the CPAP to an oxygen prong like 4days ago n I was so happy. Nw I'm jus like a deflated balloon again. Sighhh 

Part of me is prepared to onli take her home on her gestation day which is exactly a mth away frm today. But yet I jus want her home asap. I'm trying so hard not to be mad cuz who can I get mad at? Who can I blame for her setback? 

Then thrs her neighbor (who the nurses refer to as her "boyfren" cuz whenever one of them cries/desats.. The other will follow suit also). He is abt 2wks n a few days older than baby gwyn n he's still here. He actually graduated n went to the other nursery but came back cuz of pneumonia n he's still having problems wif his breathing. His mummy came by jus nw n she was speaking to the nurse which I overheard the conversation "he misses u guys tts y he came back here. Nvm he's jus nt ready to move over. Give him time." In the most optimistic tone. N here I am feeling so dejected over this setback. I realli am trying my best to be patient n give her her time. But sigh... It's so difficult 

But then again I need to think abt those mothers who waited such a looonngggg time (like 100 over days) n their cases are way worse than mine. N she IS doing well. She's healthy with no complications... Doesn't need any surgeries whatsoever. I need to always be reminded tt she will come home wif us it's jus a matter of when. She's fought so hard for her life since day 1 n I jus need to give her more time. 

"The journey of a premature baby is often one step forward and two steps back. But when strong enough it's three big leaps forward and they never look back." 

35wks n 2 days/5 wks n 4days old: running thin

Today jus isn't a gd day for me again. Well my patience is running thin. When is it the day tt I can take my baby home!!? Y I'm running out of patience is Becuz she IS doing well. Maybe her breathing isn't as stable as it should be but other than tt she's well! Sighhh I guess I jus wish things can run along faster than it is nw but I noe it's for her own gd to take things gradually at her own pace. 

5 wks hav went by... N it still hurts when I hav to leave the hospital wifout my baby in my arms. N thing is no one can give us an estimate number of wks till we can take her home. I guess this is y it's frustrating cuz I realli don't noe when she can come home! 

Baby gwyn is realli darn cute! I fall in love wif her every time I see her. Whenever u talk to her n she's semi awake... She would respond wif a sweet smile as if she's eavesdropping on our conversation. She's more alert nw n when she's awake my camera is snapping multiple pics of her! The facial expression she gives when she looks at us is priceless. It's as if she's nt impressed tt we are her parents! LOL 

I'm all over the place nw. I'm dying to take her home but our rooms are in a huge mess! Her cot isn't even set up yet cuz thrs jus no space! I guess I shall use these uncertain wks to tidy up n wait for her arrival. I hope days will jus zoom by even more.

Speaking of which can't believe it's almost June! This yr has been amazing for me/us so far! I married the love of my life in feb... Was pregnant until April n pop our princess came out then too. Nw it's jus watching her grow up. When she comes home I want time to slow down cuz babies grow up wayyyy too fast! 

By far my favourite pic of baby gwyn. Tts her uncertain/unimpressed expression when she looks at us! LOL 

N this is her today. Finally caught her sweet smile on camera after many failed attempts. Ahh she's jus so amazing! 

34wks n 3 days/4wks n 5days old: fountain

Update on baby gwyn: 

-she nw weighs 1.9kgs!! 

-taking 36ml per feeding 8 times a day 

-she's smiles in her sleep when we talk to her 

-she loves kangaroo care wif mummy n daddy n always makes cooing sounds 

-she's a screamer

-she's able to go 30mins wifout the CPAP (oxygen aid) 

-she decided it would be fun to pee while I was changing her diapers -.- thankfully onli a lil bit of pee got onto my hands cuz I was quick enough to use wet wipes to shield myself 

-she hates getting her diapers changed 

-she's a wiggler

-she hates the CPAP (oxygen aid) cuz whenever we put it on her during kangaroo care, she will shift her head away frm it 

-she has a veri strong neck (she lifts her head) 

Yeps pretty much tts abt it! Some pics of wat a beauty she's becoming! Everyday n every pic we take of her she jus looks so different! Wif her eyes 1/2 open she looks like daddy. When her eyes are open realli wide she looks like mummy. 

My sis (baby gwyn's Aunty) says she looks like a troll doll 

Shall end it wif a pic of my furkids! They aren't neglected okay! 

Gonna post abt my breast pumping experiences while I'm out in the next post! 

34wks n 5 days/4wks old

Some veri cute pics of gwyn 1st(: she takes the funniest pics I swear! LOL can't wait till she gets out of the hospital n is more awake. I'm sure thr will be more comical n dramatic poses! 

N then I celebrated my 1st Mother's Day! After catching Spider-Man on Saturday nite... My husband suggested we spend the 1st few hrs of Mother's Day wif our princess. So we drove to the hospital again

I came home n saw these balloons tied to my door. My mummy surprised me wif these for my 1st Mother's Day present(; I was realli happy! 

Then came Sunday. I was having a bad day of meltdowns. I guess I was envious n feeling sad for myself. It was mothers days n most mummies get to spend it wif their child. But I couldn't n it was my 1st Mother's Day which is suppose to be special. Wat made things worse was we went to great world city whr thr seems to be baby infested land. I felt even more depressed n horrible. 

Anyways I went to queue for a spot for lunch n my husband said he needs to go to the toilet so he left me alone which jus made it more pitiful when I was sitting at the table alone n wif tears streaming down my face -.- thankfully at tt time my twin wished me happy Mother's Day n I was texting her still. So I sat thr waiting for quite a while when it hit me tt he has something up his sleeve. 

He walked back empty handed but told me he left his wallet in the car n asked me to get it. At tt point I knew it already! I walked to the car n saw a huge bouquet n a box of cronuts on my seat. Tears streamed down my face. N I read the card attached to the bouquet n I jus burst into tears. My gifts were frm my daughter (on behalf of her daddy). My husband is the sweetest n most thotful person I hav ever met. I realli wasn't expecting anything but he always surprises me(: 

Today baby gwyn is exactly 4wks old (28 days)! 4wks ago this lil one decided to pop out earlier than expected. It's amazing hw much change we hav seen in her so far! She's gotten so pretty, her weight has increased a lot n she's drinking a lot more breast milk too! 

I admit I hav been feeling rather upset, vulnerable n sensitive over the past few wks. But unless u are a parent of a preemie... It's realli hard to describe all these emotions I've been feeling. I do suspect I hav PND but I'm thankful for my supportive husband n family. N I'm always in check of my emotions n triggers. So hopefully all these go away soon n I won't need medication. I mean I hav getting a lil better I guess. Cuz I used to meltdown almost every nite after I see gwyn. But these days hav been ok. I guess cuz gwyn is making such great progress n I noe it will be a matter of wks till she comes home wif us(: 

She's nw 1680g as of today! N we try to kangaroo her wif her oxygen mask (CPAP) off n she managed to last abt 30mins. Her weight isn't an issue nw. She needs to breathe on her own. She's 34wks by gestation on Thursday n by then her lungs should be mature enough. So I'm hoping within this wk or next she will be off the CPAP n then she's another step closer to home (:

33wks/3wks n 2days old: kangaroo my roo

Yesterday (Wednesday) my husband took off cuz I was such an emotional wreck the nite be4. Nw his whole office prob thinks he has a crazy emotionally unstable wife. Oh wells... Always appreciate when he does such things for me (: 

So we woke up late n headed to the hospital earlier than usual to spend more time wif our princess. When we got thr the nurse asked me "do u wanna do skin to skin wif ur baby?" In other words meaning kangaroo care. The words I've been dying to hear since day 1! I was so excited! Skin to skin is veri impt esp for preemies. It nt onli helps them recognize their mummy's scent, find comfort in them but also helps in regulating their breathing which is still a difficult task for baby gwyn. She still has an oxygen mask which aids in her breathing but set at the lowest setting. So we are praying she gets off the oxygen soon n she will be able to breathe independently. 

Rooing her was so amazing. I jus felt super close to her nt onli physically (since she's plastered on my chest) but emotionally too. 

For the past few wks I havnt realli felt like a true mother. Yes I'm aware I gave birth n hav a baby n am a mother but it's jus nt the same as normal mothers. Cuz all I could do was look at her through a box n touch her. I can't carry her to soothe her when she cries.. I can't smell my own baby... Heck I can't even carry her full stop. I guess tts y I hav meltdowns n some nites are worse. On days when I hav a "good" day wif gwyn (like I carry her or help soothe her when she cries) I don't get my meltdowns n vice versa. 

Today was jus amazing. I was telling my husband hw I'm nv letting gwyn out of my sight or letting her go. She was so peaceful while lying on my chest. She slept through the whole 2hrs n be4 tt she was fussing n being all grumpy but once on my chest she was jus peaceful n calm. 

She nw weighs 1470g too!! Yay another 30g n out of the box she goes! I hav learnt nt to expect much wif her weight gain but my husband n I decided to put a guess to her weight today be4 we went to see her. She totally proved me wrong n put on so much frm Tuesday. Proud mummy moment 

Time for bed. Today's a gd day. So no meltdowns for this preemie mummy! 

32wks n 6days/3wks n 1 day old: progress

It's nw 12.23am so baby gwyn is 3wks n 1 day old! She's been gaining quite a bit of weight nw! As of yesterday she's 1410g!! Another 90g n she's out of the incubator (which I call a bubble/box) n she will be transferred to an open top warmer!!! Ahhhh can't wait cuz tts when we hav easier access to her. 

She's nw on 25ml of breast milk every 3hrs... Is a little bloated/constipated n getting a lot more fiesty n cranky. Haha whenever we are thr she always seems to get cranky n start crying n fussing around. Monday she was being all cranky n all so I asked the nurses if I can carry her n she stopped crying when I carried her (: mother's touch 

Sunday... 

Monday

My husband says "she looks so sian in this pic! Haha"

Looking like a hamster here

This lil girl is such a smartie pants. Knows hw to hold her pacifier n all 

Tuesday 

My sis in law gave birth to baby Owen over the wkend n we got to see him today. Handsome lil fella tt one! He's suppose to be older than baby gwyn but gwyn jus wanted to be jiejie so she came out first. 

While staring at baby Owen... I had a slight meltdown which I quickly then exited the room be4 i become a mess. Then I sat by my husband n tried to control n hold everything in. Then he jus had to say "it will be all perfect is gwyn was home. Oh shit nvm." N then I burst into tears. Sigh it jus pains me so much when I see mummies happily wif their babies while mine is still stuck in an incubator. I'm so emotionally unstable nw tt my husband has decided to take off frm work to accompany me later. Sighhh I'm realli trying to stay strong but it's jus so tough. I realli realli pray she will be back home wif us in another 3-4wks max! Cuz I'm honestly veri emotionally exhausted by all this I'm feeling nw. Like leaving her everyday is so emotionally exhausting u noeeee. 

Off to bed nw n looking forward to having my husband wif me all day. Gg to the hospital earlier so we can spend more time wif our princess. 

32wks n 4days/2wks n 6 days old: transparency

I started blogging at the age of 11 n continued blogging till I was 16? N then I stopped. Blogging in the past has gotten me in "trouble" n ruined my relationships. Tt was Becuz I literally blogged abt everything even frm the most minute details like wat I ate -.- tt was me documenting my whole everyday life. I rmb Sundays were the most interesting posts cuz I went to church. I read back my old blog n had such a gd laugh cuz everything was so detailed it was literally playing in my head n I was reliving those moments tt happened some 9yrs ago! I wrote abt my skool days, friends, relationships, heartbreaks (which were so emo it was honestly depressing reading them again), family n occasions. Teenager me owned a blog to journal my life which was made public for the world. Then, social media was slowly climbing up. 

This is y I blog. I document my life n wanna look back n rmb every detail as I can. Y I chose to make it public is so people (who may be like me or in situations like me) can learn frm my experiences. This is y many people blog these days. 

When I found out gwyn was gg to be a preemie... I quickly searched for blogs which mothers wrote abt their experiences wif a preemie cuz I had no clue wat to expect! I def felt some sense of support frm these mothers which I hope through this place I would be able to be tt support for other preemie/young mothers too. 

I've always been an open book n hence had my fair share of haters back in the day. But I'm nt afraid to be judged cuz this is my life n I chose to be public abt it n I hav to accept the consequences tt comes wif it (although I realli see no harm in watever I've written so fair). I don't blog abt controversial topics. Watever I blog is my personal experience, my journey, my point of view. 

We live in a world where social media is taking over our lives. Everything is made available online. N most people who blog these days are all transparent abt their lives. N also blogging is a sense of outlet for me. Old skool journals jus hardly exist anymore cuz we simply live in an Internet era whr typing is jus so much easier. 

Frm the veri beginning of my pregnancy journey I hav decided to document it through a blog. I even wanted to do videos but i was lazy n it was too much of a hassle. I was transparent frm the beginning (Though I kept my pregnancy a secret until a few wks be4 my wedding). No I wasn't afraid to be judged abt the mistake I/we made. In fact we were so happy to even be pregnant n was dying to let people noe. At tt time I jus felt it was time to share our happy news to the world n I've been receiving nth but well wishes eversince then till nw when baby gwyn is out of me. I'm nt afraid of people saying "OMG shar got pregnant be4 she got married." Cuz in my case it's nt as if I got pregnant by a douche. It was my bf n love of my life for 4yrs. 

So I'm jus sharing my life n thots wif everyone as if u guys who actually bother reading this space are walking my life wif me. N since I havnt gotten out much or met any of my frens in a while, this space is also for them to keep track n get updates abt me n my family. 

I thank everyone for the huge amt of well wishes, prayers n support we hav gotten ever since the start of our pregnancy journey. It's nt an easy journey being a mother of a preemie. The constant fear n separation anxiety is realli taking a toll on me. The onli reason y I havnt fallen into PND (post natal depression) is cuz of my husband, family n support I get frm preemie mothers on Instagram. This is y social media is so impt to me. The advices n experiences we get frm people who hav experienced or are experiencing the same trials n pains as us are so helpful. It makes us feel we aren't alone n people actually understand our situation. 

Baby gwyn is 3wks old tmr! Seems to fast but yet slow at the same time. I've been having my meltdowns every nite recently. Sigh hope it gets better somehow. 

32wks n 3days/2wks 5days old: baby blues 2

Feeling real upset again. Some nites I fall asleep so easily cuz I'm jus too tired. Then thr are most nites when I jus cry. Or when I visit baby gwyn I would jus stare at her n cry. I jus want her home. I nv Thot or expect it to be this hard. 

Through most of my pregnancy I was crying abt hw hard n hw much pain n discomfort I was in. Nw even after she's born I'm still crying. That's hw miserable I feel abt everything nw. 

I'm like counting down or giving a mental time frame for her to come out. Like thrs an expectation. I was jus reminded by another preemie mummy I shouldn't do tt cuz when thrs expectations comes disappointment. True tt. If she didn't reach "my goal weight" I expected her to reach I do get a lil disappointed n upset. But I jus can't help it. I'm honestly battling wif myself nw. 

This emotional torture is jus so dam hard. Every nite I look at pics n watch videos of her be4 I sleep n I jus burst into tears. Wat makes things worse is when I look at Instagram pics of other parents who get to hold their child n be home wif them n all. Sigh 

It's gonna be wk 3 soon. Somehw time is passing fast but yet slow at the same time. I jus want my babygirl home. 

My dearest baby gwyn, 

Pls continue to grow strong, gain weight n learn to breathe independently so u can come home faster to mummy n daddy. You hav no idea hw much tears I've shed over you and how it pains me whenever I leave the hospital wifout u. May the days go by n u can achieve these milestones. I just can't wait to have u back home.

I love u sweetheart.