35wks n 4days/5wks n 6days old: like a deflated balloon

Im currently at the hospital pumping milk out for my princess but feeling super heavy hearted 

I walked into the nicu n be4 I got to her cot a nice pretty n soft spoken nurse said "must be sad seeing her back on the CPAP again." My heart stopped n my mind went "waddddd!? Noooo whyyyyyy!!?" She graduated frm the CPAP to an oxygen prong like 4days ago n I was so happy. Nw I'm jus like a deflated balloon again. Sighhh 

Part of me is prepared to onli take her home on her gestation day which is exactly a mth away frm today. But yet I jus want her home asap. I'm trying so hard not to be mad cuz who can I get mad at? Who can I blame for her setback? 

Then thrs her neighbor (who the nurses refer to as her "boyfren" cuz whenever one of them cries/desats.. The other will follow suit also). He is abt 2wks n a few days older than baby gwyn n he's still here. He actually graduated n went to the other nursery but came back cuz of pneumonia n he's still having problems wif his breathing. His mummy came by jus nw n she was speaking to the nurse which I overheard the conversation "he misses u guys tts y he came back here. Nvm he's jus nt ready to move over. Give him time." In the most optimistic tone. N here I am feeling so dejected over this setback. I realli am trying my best to be patient n give her her time. But sigh... It's so difficult 

But then again I need to think abt those mothers who waited such a looonngggg time (like 100 over days) n their cases are way worse than mine. N she IS doing well. She's healthy with no complications... Doesn't need any surgeries whatsoever. I need to always be reminded tt she will come home wif us it's jus a matter of when. She's fought so hard for her life since day 1 n I jus need to give her more time. 

"The journey of a premature baby is often one step forward and two steps back. But when strong enough it's three big leaps forward and they never look back."