Week 26

Did not write about the past few weeks cause everything is pretty much the same. But one weird thing that changed was peeing. Because of my medical condition and augmentations i have in my insides, i cant pee normally. Like sit on the toilet and pee like every normal female. Ive been using a cathetar since birth. When i was 6 my mum taught me how to do it on my own just before i went to primary school. When i had to pee when i was in kindergarten, she had to come at specific times to help me. A bit of a back story. This is why im so susceptible to UTIs and all cause it is a foreign object entering my body. On the plus side when im forced to use dirty public toilets or squat toilets (especially when i travel) im blessed because i stand and pee and dont have to sit and touch the dirty toilet bowls. I will always be like this for life. Ive gotten used to it and its a norm to me! Initially i was embarrassed and found it such a hassle. And i was afraid of what my future partner would think about it. Sean has never seen me as being imperfect with a medical condition. Instead hes more concerned especially when i come down with UTIs and while being pregnant with G, he was concerned if my body could take it having no experience in such area. Actually we all were so uncertain on what to expect and all. I really suffered while being pregnant with G whenever i had UTIs. Poor sean had to endure my cries every night.

Now with baby2, we kinda know that we must prevent my UTIs and all. And with this pregnancy, it seems a lil easier now. The morning sickness was worse but i only had two UTI episodes and i remember with G i was crying every night and i really hated being pregnant. I still hate the process of being pregnant but its much more tolerable.

Anyways with this pregnancy, i can now spontaneously pee without the use of a cathetar. Which is both good and bad. Good because its like a change in my medical condition bad because i pee myself which is super annoying. If my bladder is slightly fuller, i pee myself -.- sometimes im in public and it really sucks!! Happened once in taiwan and we were stuck in a car on a road trip. Sometimes sean and i will be out and i will just stop and stand stationary. He used to ask me wth am i doing. Now he knows. Haha or i will be carrying G at home and i will have to immediately drop her and rush to the toilet.

Baby's kicks has been super strong too. stronger than G. But now i realise he loves to kick me so down below that i feel him at my down there sometimes!! Which is honestly a very bizarre and creepy feeling. Like hes going to punch or kick his way out. And it is painful too! So i believe he has turned yet hence his limbs are stretching and reaching all the way down below.

Oh and my back is starting to hurt. Sigh... Im honestly not very big still though. Most days i can be in baggy home clothes and my mother in law's friends wont know im pregnant. Or i can be wearing a loosely fitted top or dress and people still cant tell im pregnant (i get banged into in public still. Wtf). So yea sean says i just look fat -.- ive gained about 4.5kgs as of now. I started off at 45kgs, lost 2kgs along the way and now im slowly hitting 50kgs.

Going for our 26 week check up on Thursday and sean and i are always excited cause we get to see how baby is doing. And i also get to "complain" about my weird symptoms and get reassurance by my gynae that everything is going well.

Week 14, 15 and 16

Weird food cravings: (eating foods I don't normally eat at all!)
-chicken rice with black sauce
-sunny side up with rice n black sauce
-char Siew rice

And then I was feeling horrible on Wednesday. I was sluggish n lethargic. Then I realize why. I had cream sauce pasta. And this time around diary seems to be my trigger for my nausea. Very very weird...

Week 15
So I've been having these painful period pike cramps since Monday morning and a strong gravity pull down there. I had this with G but at a later part and I vaguely remember it was quite close to the day I delivered. Ive been babywearing G quite a bit over the weekend in our tula so that could have caused this discomfort? I don't know but it's quite pain when I stand or walk. I'm fine when I'm lying in bed. Thought I would wait it out and have complete bed rest today but Sean thinks I should go get it checked out. Hope I can get a last minute appointment later today. Its like intense cramps I used to get during my period. I've been checking for sdifferentnd thankfully nothing so I'm not too worried. But just that these cramps are so difficult to live with especially when I have to carry a 9kg toddler.

Gynae prescribed me with a progesterone hormone pill to stablise the pregnancy if i was having any mild contractions. So the cramps Were other because my uterus was growing or mild contractions. I took the pills for a week and my cramps have been gone. So maybe it was mild contractions? Cause when my uterus was growing with G it never was cramps. It was a different kind of stretching pain.

Week 16
It feels like ive been preggers for a dam long time. And im not even half way there. Fml seriously. This week im down with a flu and cough. Think i caught it from G. And the nausea seems to have creeped back -.- and because of the flu im even more fatigued and lethargic.

To add on i was just hit by a huge wave of tummy ache. The one where u accidentally take too much laxatives and it gives you a stabbing pain. I didnt get constipation with G but this pregnancy im definitely getting in. Sorry a bit TMI but i was in so much pain i couldnt poop or even fart!!!! Like wtf?! I was breaking out in cold sweat n trembling. I camped in the toilet for 30mins n nothing. I got desperate so i smeared ruyi oil on my tummy n waited for a miracle. Finally after an hour i could poop n i felt so much better. Im still feeling super weak n trembly though. Sighhh. Such a different pregnancy im having. Its like whatever i know about my symptoms and what to.expect should be thrown out of the window. Lol

Week 22

Week 22
So we went away to taiwan without G for 5 days. We missed her like mad but was such a good break for sean n i. Like we got to reconnect again and just spend some quality time together with no distractions (though baby2 was a slight distraction cause his kicks and punches can be very painful at times!) Sean looked out for me so well and made sure i was okay throughout the trip. I had so much anxieties going on this trip so he did ease me a lil by making me comfy.. Making sure i didnt walk too much and watched where i was stepping on. Oh and constantly reminding me to pee!

Dont know if i mentioned this but if my bladder is too full... I pee myself. And i peed myself once during the trip and boy was it uncomfy to sit in the car for 1.5hrs with soiled underwear -.- fml and sorry if its tmi!

Symptoms this week..
-pressure down below; ive been feeling this sometimes especially when i walk too much and will have to rest a while and im fine. But resting doesn't seem to be working anymore. Hmm i had this with G and i dont know what is causing this pressure/pull. Quite worried actually so i may pop by the labour ward tomorrow night or something just to get checked out thoroughly.

-itchy stomach; im thinking could be stretch marks forming but so far no sight of them! I didnt get any stretch marks with G so i pray i don't get them this time

-nausea; hello nausea again. Sigh my biggest trigger: onions!!! Like anything with onions make me so sick after my meal. I had pesto pasta with a shit load of onions before my flight back and boy did i suffer on that flight. Urggg.... So weird though cause i LOVE onions n onions of all things that trigger my nausea?! So random please

Week 13

Started week 13 on Tuesday. Just when I was starting to feel better with the nausea it hit me again. It loves to haunt me again just when I'm getting over it!

I attended a school orientation and frankly I almost vomitted in my mouth. Nausea was one of the factors but the admin person who did the presentation spoke horrible broken English which made me sick and cringe. Yea that bad.

I've been having some slight cramps n I do feel some slight tugging whenever I flip from one side to the other.

And I've been craving so much food but again no appetite. But weirdest food I've been eating for 2 days in a row... Sunny side up (but cooked more thoroughly) with rice and tomato ketchup/black sauce. Wtf?! Firstly I don't fancy much sunny side up. Like of all the eggs that's my least favorite. And I hate black sauce. So this kinda weirded me a bit. But it's simple cooking so that's another plus point.

Week 9

Well by far my worse week ever. My worse nightmare happened: I came down with the dreaded UTI which was accompanied by a series of horrible symptoms

-fever
-hot internal body
-cold external body (chills n shakes)
-throbbing headache
-poor appetite
-fatigue
-high fever
-worse nausea I ever had

At one point my body literally rejected fluids. N whatever I ate came out instantly. There was 1 day I gave up eating entirely (my 13mths daughter was eating more than me) cause my nausea was so terrible.

I cried like mad last week. I felt like giving up and I hated Sean. Thankfully he let me scream at him and it made me a lot better. I moved back to my place and all was good again.

I was a horrible mother to G cause I really didn't have the strength to carry her. She kept calling out "mama mama" but I couldn't reach out to her. Sigh broke my heart. But when I'm home at least I don't have to drag my weak self down the stairs just to be with her.

Feeling a lot better now. Finally tolerating food and actually eating a bit more normally. The vomiting episodes have stooped so far. THANK GOD! But I got this very weird rib pain like someone punched me and it hurts like a bitch. Oh and my throbbing headache never seems to go away.

Another week down.... Approaching week 10 and in 2 weeks finally a detailed scan of baby2!

Week 8

Growing a human is really stressful! And I'm honestly my worse nightmare. I keep having these delusions about miscarriage. And I have legit reasons:

1) I'm on medication now. Medications which the doctor checked and I googled which say its safe for pregnancy but how sure is it?! These are medications I'm unfamiliar with.
Oh yes and I was prescribed a medication that COULD cause cleft palate but as written on the description paper in the box it says results are inconclusive as subjects were on other medication too. But there is a possibility no? Luckily I read the paper cause needless to say I wouldn't dare take the risk and I didn't even take that medicine at all.

2) my body is already so weak and I'm still breastfeeding G (we have embarked on our weaning process but that will take a while). And I havnt been eating very well. So how much nutrients is shrimp really getting?! I don't know... But I hope its enough for him/her to grow healthily.

So you see... My thoughts in my head are pure evil. My girlfriend keep saying I find things to worry about which I shouldn't. Sigh she's right. But what to do. My brain is my worse enemy. It sends me to a different world and destroys me.

(Wednesday 27th may)
By far my worse day ever!! Nausea hit me at 1am. I puked and puked into the sink. Felt a lot better and could finally go to bed. When I woke up it was another story.

I had giddy spells and all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I went downstairs to drop G wif my mil and even that took me many breaths and tired me out right away. I climbed back into bed and off to sleep I went. Woke at 2pm, had lunch and puked again -.- thankfully my mum was coming to pick us up. Cause I really felt bad staying in bed all day at my in laws.

Came back home.. Ate a Lil.. Puked again. I puked too many times to remember today. N my throat was burning from all the acid backing up on my throat. Sigh... I'm all puked out and tired. This time it was the hardest of all. Even with G I was never like this. Sigh.. Why why do I have to go through nausea?! Why can't I be those women who breeze through their whole pregnancy?! I feel like death as taken over me. 

Week 7

This week my Lil shrimp is a blueberry. There was one time we called G blueberry. I still remember I was in London, Borough Market and saw a pack of blueberries and sent a photo to Sean. Can't believe she was that tiny. Now Lil shrimp is that tiny too.

I've been paralyzed in bed all day. But I really don't know if its the nausea or fatigue but I just refuse to get out of bed. I don't know how the working mums do it!!! Like pregnant and still having to hold a 9-6 job. Madness.

Doesn't help that my cough hasn't gone away at all. Because there are limited choices of cough syrups my pregnant body can take. And I'm already so weak so someone explain to me how to fight this virus on my own? Siannn..

My appetite has been great since last night. After gagging and puking I finally felt better. So I messaged le husband to take me to supper! Yay (: I love that when I'm pregnant my husband becomes pregnant with me too. Like today he said "I grow with you ma!" Haha so true.. So he picked me up n we drove to get my wanton mee craving satisfied (: we had supper and watched The Maze Runner. Y did we wait so long to watch such an awesome movie? Omg slowwww...

Then tonight because he went back to seletar, I had to have supper on my own :( but I had macs!! Cause I mysteriously found Macs at home so yay!! With a bad bad cough I gobbled down a medium sized fries n 1/2 a fiery pepper burger! Now its almost 1 and I'm still hungry -.- good in a way cause at least I now shrimp is going to take all this food n grow strong n healthy! Go shrimp together we work hard to keep u inside as long as possible!

Oh hello morning sickness

And there I was thinking I could escape the horrible gagging and gastric juices in my mouth. Week 6 for G was the worse for my nausea. I couldn't eat and I puked quite a bit. With lil shrimp.. Well it was manageable. I had my appetite and I thought wow I could cruise through this.

Pfftt... Lies. Today's nausea hit me like a boss. And the fatigue.. Omg all I did was roll around the bed cause I was that lethargic and the nausea didn't make wanting to get out of bed any easier. I puked twice today. Puked out bits of my frozen pie and I just puked out gastric juices? Urrggg... Y morning sickness yyyyyy!!!? Y torture me like this!!!

The hardest part of my pregnancy with G was the nausea and infections (UTI which came along with high fevers and body chills). I'm just praying this time around my body will adjust better. The nausea just proved how erratic it can be!

Ahhh nausea please stay away from me this weekend! I need to feel like a human and go out and do things! I've been stuck home for the past 1.5weeks cause of G's, my illness and this erratic nausea. Sighhhh

In other news, my mum was staring at G and she said "OK la can have a other one. Shes so cute. The next one will be dam cute too!" Haha... Looks like things are getting better...

And I asked daddy to guess your gender. To us boy or girl doesn't matter as long as you are healthy and I can carry you further than 29weeks!

But then I'm scared. What is it like to be heavily pregnant? I didn't feel any contractions with G so what if I do this time? How do they feel like? What if my water bag breaks? How would I feel? Hmm so many questions which I have no experience in dealing with. Its both terrifying but exciting.

(Its now 1.10am and your sister is happily shouting at grandma. LOL)

Letters to my lil shrimp

Dear Lil shrimp,

Yes mummy n daddy have decided to nickname you as such cause daddy loves his hobby (u will find out soon enough when u are born) n the baby app did say when we found out about u, u were the size of a Lil shrimp. So how fitting!

Firstly mummy wants to apologize to u. I've been feeling all this negativity and uncertainty over u for the past few days and weren't really embracing everything. Its all due to shock and the trauma your sister gave me and everything still scares me as it was just about a year ago that I had her. All my feelings and trauma are still so raw. And I was so afraid on how your grand parents will react. Mummy doesn't have a job for now. So financially daddy n partially your grand parents have to pay. So having a second child just doesn't make any sense and it is worrying. That was my biggest worry cause I don't ever want you to have anything lesser than your sister. But daddy reassured me that he will take care of finances and we are okay. I trust him so that lessened one of my worries. But this would definitely be the ultimate worry of your grand parents (being realistic and all).

I told your grandma and she didn't take it too well either. She said everything is so fast. Her biggest worry is like daddy, will my body be able to take it since I haven't rested long enough and also my medical condition complicated things even more. I was honest and decided to let her know the first cause I needed someone to confide in about all this negativity that I shouldn't be having. But she didn't help much. Its the shock too honestly. But know that she reacted the same way as when I told her about your sister. But don't you worry cause your grandparents and family will love you just as much. Trust me when I say they love your sister so much given the circumstances. So I'm dam sure they will love you just as much too!

Finally today I confided in some mummies I met in an online community. All of them have given me some wise and kind words of encouragement letting me know I am not alone and will always have support. And I was watching the last episode of greys anatomy where I saw the image of a newborn baby being wheeled to see his badly injured father. At that moment I felt that instant spark of connection with you. I don't know how to describe it but the surge of happiness and love came rushing into me.

Forgive me for a took a few days but I am embracing you. I pray for good health and good growth for you my Lil shrimp. Together we will work hard to keep you inside me long enough. I don't ever want you to suffer and be apart from us like your sister did for 2 months. It was agonizing for all of us. So be well my child!

I am now a proud mummy of 2. I really can't wait to meet you (but as I said stay longer inside please).

PS... My mummy instinct tells me you are a boy. Hmmm

I love you even before you are born. And always remember that both you and your sister are very special to mummy and daddy.

Bake well!

Love,
Mummy

Baby2?

Last night was horrible enough having to battle my sick Lil princess. She isn't the cranky whiny kind (thank goodness) but I had a sleepless night having to monitor her fever and I just couldn't sleep. Personally I battled with weird cramps n bots of nausea which I had that sickening feeling of WHAT IF its #2? But I brushed it off thinking it was fatigue cause I hardly slept due to G's illness.

Then I woke up feeling even more exhausted, nauseous, breathless when I walked up and down the stairs these symptoms all too familiar. I messaged Sean and tears started welling in my eyes. Honestly I'm not ready for #2. I thought I was but seeing how amazing G is and how much love for G I have... I keep thinking to myself "will I be able to love #2 like how much I love G?" And whenever I looked at G I just felt so bad with the possibility of maybe cause I don't wanna have to share my love I have for G with another child.

Sean and I always planned for 2 kids. And I always wanted close age gaps but now that there could be a possibility I froze. The thought about having the juggle a toddler with weird sleeping habits, nausea, fatigue and a busy schedule, I'm honestly so worried.

We had a few pregnancy scares a few months ago which totally was dam off cause we took extra care. But at that point when the test came back negative I was a little disappointed as I thought I was ready for #2. Now that there is a possibility, I'm scared to my bones.

By the way I did take a pregnancy test just then which 2 lines appeared. Fml. I'm kinda hoping because it was a cheap one it was faulty.

Booked an appointment for tomorrow to confirm everything. I don't know what to hope for anymore. Cause if baby is growing inside now, I don't wanna reject it cause it can feel my emotions. But yet I have so much worries and stresses. All I know is that I'm super emotional today. Like I look at G and sob.. I hug G and sob. Sighhh...

(Dear baby2 if you exist and if you come across this post one day... Mummy is just in shock so I'm saying all this. And I'm also not sure with how I'm feeling or I'm dealing with everything. So please forgive me if I wrote anything that hurt you. Just know that you are special to mummy and daddy despite all the circumstances. You have a great sister so don't you worry. I know she will love you cause she has the biggest and most compassionate heart ever. For now grow strong and big and stay inside as long as you can. Please don't be like your sister so eager to see the world and pop out so early. Thank you!)