Baby2?

Last night was horrible enough having to battle my sick Lil princess. She isn't the cranky whiny kind (thank goodness) but I had a sleepless night having to monitor her fever and I just couldn't sleep. Personally I battled with weird cramps n bots of nausea which I had that sickening feeling of WHAT IF its #2? But I brushed it off thinking it was fatigue cause I hardly slept due to G's illness.

Then I woke up feeling even more exhausted, nauseous, breathless when I walked up and down the stairs these symptoms all too familiar. I messaged Sean and tears started welling in my eyes. Honestly I'm not ready for #2. I thought I was but seeing how amazing G is and how much love for G I have... I keep thinking to myself "will I be able to love #2 like how much I love G?" And whenever I looked at G I just felt so bad with the possibility of maybe cause I don't wanna have to share my love I have for G with another child.

Sean and I always planned for 2 kids. And I always wanted close age gaps but now that there could be a possibility I froze. The thought about having the juggle a toddler with weird sleeping habits, nausea, fatigue and a busy schedule, I'm honestly so worried.

We had a few pregnancy scares a few months ago which totally was dam off cause we took extra care. But at that point when the test came back negative I was a little disappointed as I thought I was ready for #2. Now that there is a possibility, I'm scared to my bones.

By the way I did take a pregnancy test just then which 2 lines appeared. Fml. I'm kinda hoping because it was a cheap one it was faulty.

Booked an appointment for tomorrow to confirm everything. I don't know what to hope for anymore. Cause if baby is growing inside now, I don't wanna reject it cause it can feel my emotions. But yet I have so much worries and stresses. All I know is that I'm super emotional today. Like I look at G and sob.. I hug G and sob. Sighhh...

(Dear baby2 if you exist and if you come across this post one day... Mummy is just in shock so I'm saying all this. And I'm also not sure with how I'm feeling or I'm dealing with everything. So please forgive me if I wrote anything that hurt you. Just know that you are special to mummy and daddy despite all the circumstances. You have a great sister so don't you worry. I know she will love you cause she has the biggest and most compassionate heart ever. For now grow strong and big and stay inside as long as you can. Please don't be like your sister so eager to see the world and pop out so early. Thank you!)