A big decision

I often find myself reminiscing about my whole pregnancy. From the day we found out that I was carrying a life in me... To the horrible but amazing pregnancy days... To waking up to a pool of blood and all that birth trauma... To baby G's nicu days and I still honestly wonder how I made it through those torturous 2months plus... And to now... How big and chunky she's become. 

Being a mother is a full time job. And I freakin LOVE my job!!! It's the most rewarding and satisfying one. I wake up everyday anticipating what baby G will be up to. Will she achieve new milestones? And then I go to bed feeling so happy and thankful with my life. I married the love of my life and we have such an amazing and beautiful daughter. 

So I started sending out my résumés about a month back. And never did I expect to get a reply so quick. Now I'm stuck on whether to take up the job or not. 

Ok these are my thoughts just running. I'm a libra so I really weigh the pros and cons very carefully. And I really have an issue.. I freakin cannot make decisions!! Simple ones, big ones... Ahh I get super stressed! 

I'm lucky I don't really NEED a job for now cause we still are living with our parents and we don't need to pay for anything yet. Like our house will only be up in 3-4years. Car, Sean takes care of it. So for me I pay for our meals and petty items we buy when we are out. So right now we are doing just fine. And given baby G's life story... I really wanna be able to be with her as long as I can. She was "robbed" away from me for 2months during her stay at the nicu. So of course I wanna make it up to her. And I feel her first year is super important and I shouldn't miss any of it if I have the chance. Like just the other day I was the one with her that I discovered she could flip from her back to her belly. And she's such a joy to be around with. 

Why I'm so hesitant about this job is because I have separation anxiety from baby G. Every time I think about the likelihood of leaving her to work I cry and get super upset. And thing is I wasn't prepared to start work till next year!! So obviously I wasn't prepared when this opportunity popped up. And I'm so scared I will hate the job. To me if I wanna start work this early, it has to be something I really really die die want and I know I will love. Then I will feel it's worth leavin baby G at home to do what I love. But this... I'm super uncertain.

And I just forged an amazing and beautiful breastfeeding relationship with baby G. Like she's finally latching on so well! Then if I start work I will be super tired and all. I'm so unsure if I can continue this relationship or even pump!! I told myself i will breast feed her till the day I start working and let my supply just slowly dwindle away. 

But then again I know this job is such a dam good opportunity. If I can learn to love it I will be stuck in this line forever. And this company would sponsor me for my Masters. And this is such a good skill to have actually. Especially being a mother now, what I learn from there can be applied to baby G too. Cause if I don't take up this job I'm back to square one again... What the hell do I do!!? What do I work as!??

So you see my mind has been a constant back and forth. It's super frustrating!! There are times where I will tell myself "okay just suck it up and take the job!" Then there are most times where I'm like "nah never mind just wait for next year and find something I truly want." Urrgggg 

Plus my husband doesn't think I should take up this job cause he thinks/knows I won't like it. You tell me which husband will tell you to work at something I'm good at or know will love instead of it's monetary gains? I'm so lucky he's not forcing me to faster get a job and all. 

Sighhhh..... Someone tell me what to do! Cause I know either decision I make I will regret a little. Grrrrr 

And see this is what I do when I'm home with baby G. We take a million selfies together and I just can't and don't wanna miss any moment with her!!