today baby gwyn is 37wks old exactly. so by rite she should still be swimming in my belly but my little princess was jus too excited to wanna see mummy n daddy so she made an early appearance. if you've been following my parenthood journey, from the time i got pregnant till delivering a preemie baby, you would have known i never had en easy journey at all. being pregnant was a horrible time of my life. of course i was soooo happy tt i was blessed wif baby gwyn but the process of it sucked so badly! then giving birth to her early cuz of my low placenta jus increased my stress levels even more. yes i dreaded being pregnant n wanted to get over it quickly but not like this; putting my child at any health risks. but praise the Lord she's a true warrior n God has been watching over her so closely n helped her triumphed any obstacles thrown at her. she's a healthy lil princess warrior n is still fighting hard to make her lungs stronger so she can come home to us soon!
I've decided to start a segment on my blog called "little preemie warrior parental talk (LPWPT). basically its a series of topics which we preemies parents may face/are facing n through my experience i hope to be a support for you n let you know you aren't alone! so do look out for these posts cuz they can be useful to you too(:
anyways today's topic is on post natal depression (PND). i don't know if many who've read my posts could pick up the signs that i did suffer a mild post natal depression becuz baby gwyn is a preemie. the first few weeks were terrible. my husband n i were both filled with anxiety n uncertainty; would she hav any health risks? would she need surgeries? would she even survive? seeing her everyday with tubes running in n out of her was heartbreaking. its jus too much for such a tiny being to go through. i often stared at her incubator with tears streaming down my face. my husband would comfort me n reassure me tt she is fine n fighting on but i knew he was worried too. but he needed to be strong for the 3 of us since i was such an emotional wreck.
the first few weeks saw me balling my eyes out almost everyday. every time when i came home from the hospital n lied in bed at nite, i would be sobbing in my pillows. thr were nites whr it got so bad my husband would take me to go see her in the middle of the nite. but when i got to see her, yes i was comforted she was fine but i still balled my eyes out. like why did God put such a tiny being through all this? n i often wondered is she scared being all alone in such a foreign place? is she scared of all the needles n all? i jus wanted so much to be by her side 24/7 but obviously not possible.
then it transited to me blaming myself for her early arrival. did i cause this? what could i hav done to prevent all this? did i walk too much? did she get enough nutrients from me? why did it happen to us; our daughter?
i was struggling so much wif all these uncertainties n also not being able to fulfil my role as a mother. a mother is suppose to be able to pick their child up when she/he cries, breastfeed n be thr for their child 24/7 once they are born. but for me i could do none of these. whenever she cried all i could do was hold her hand, i could not breastfeed her (still am not able to). i felt useless as a mother. the only thing i could provide for her was breast milk n when my supply dropped suddenly my anxiety increased even more. it only got better when she was getting stronger n more stable n we were able to be more involved wif her; kangaroo her, change her diapers, cuddle her, basically be more hands on.
one of my worse days were during mother's day. i was jus such an emotional wreck tt day cuz it was my first mother's day; its suppose to be special wif my baby still swimming in my belly safely. but she was far away frm me in the hospital. my husband n i went for lunch n all i saw was parents cradling their children. i had a bad meltdown in public cuz i jus couldn't handle it. i felt my first mth of motherhood being robbed away frm me; i wasn't the 1st person to change her diaper, hold her, cuddle her, soothe her, bathe her, feed her n i didn't hav her wif me to celebrate my 1st mother's day (thankfully my husband knew wat to do to comfort me; but thats another post i will save for).
i studied psychology so i knew wat the signs were for post natal depression. it got clearer though when 1 of my readers/followers on instagram pointed it out to me. but I'm also a person who expresses n talks abt my feelings all the time to my husband. my husband too suspected i had PND and i was thankful he was always around whenever i needed him or was having a bad meltdown that day. he was always so strong for us n flooded me with reassurances that everything n she will be ok.
i guess its becuz of the huge amount of support i had frm my husband n family n i had such an open communication with them that i got out of my PND on my own fairly quickly. i did think of gg to see my gynae or a psychologist but thankfully i got better. n also she was doing so well with no complications n tests results were gd that jus helped speed up my recovery.
what I'm trying to say is its ok to hav PND. the most important thing is to recognise it n seek help; be it support from your spouse, family, psychological intervention or medication, its very important to acknowledge you have a problem n seek treatment. PND can escalate to even worse states which would implicate your caregiving abilities to your child n being a mother of a preemie you realli don't need any more complications. its also very important to have an open communication with your spouse/family. you must communicate and let your feelings known. don't suffer alone! its already tiring enough nt being able to sleep well becuz you are constantly worrying about ur child in the hospital.
for husbands n family members, be a strong support to your wife! always check up on her emotions n hav a healthy communication flow. never neglect her or blame her for giving birth to a preemie! you think its her choice to wanna give birth to a fragile baby with so many uncertainties? thr are many reasons y women give birth to preemies but its NEVER her fault. parents with preemies are more prone to divorces (which i will talk abt soon) so communication is the key n never shift the blame to your wife.
Symptoms of PND:
-sad or low
-unable to enjoy anything
-extremely tired with no energy
-feelings of hopelessness
-a sense of guilt
-lack of appetite
-feeling miserable
-tearful all the time
-anxious
(extracted from http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a557236/postnatal-depression-pnd#ixzz33juU8b3R )
Do feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to! rmb support can come from anyone as long as you have one! yukimi_11@hotmail.com
n if you hav any topics u want me to address, pls email me too!
my next topic on this series is all about the fathers as father's day is soon approaching! so do look out for tt next.
No comments:
Post a Comment