Loss...

These days i really have been struggling emotionally. I find myself crying alot. Mostly because i am preparing to mourn the loss of my relationship with Gwyn. You see in another 5-6weeks we will welcome her brother. She will no longer be our only child. She will no longer have all our attention. And this i find it so hard. I battle and struggle with this every night. Sometimes i find myself hugging her so tight cause i dont wanna let this relationship go. As i hold her tears will roll down my face. It breaks my heart thinking that when her brother comes im no longer just hers alone. Im also afraid how i would manage time with her alone. Especially trying to figure out a newborn and breastfeeding is going to take away time with G. G is surrounded by so many people who loves her. Im not worried of her being neglected or forgotten just because of her brother. But im afraid of the time baby L will rob away from her. And G and i are super close. As much as i should be resting and letting grandma, mama or daddy look after her more, i really wanna take these last few weeks to really treasure my time with her. You may think its silly but the fact is some things will change. And it is a phase all mothers expecting number 2 will go through. Whats even more sentimental is that G is a preemie. Shes our lil special warrior.




I also mourn the loss of my baby. My baby will no longer be my baby anymore but a full fledged toddler, a big sister. Time.. I also mourn the loss of time because these 18months of G's life has flown by too fast. And it hurts to think one day she won't need me anymore. She will no longer wanna hang out with mummy and daddy anymore, she no longer needs to be carried or want her hands to be held. Growing up really sucks...

This journey of motherhood is not going to be easy especially for someone so sentimental and emotional like me. And there will definitely be a lot of tears shed during the first few weeks of being a mother of two. So I can only pray for strength and a lot of support.



My dearest Gwyneth,

You are my first born and will always hold a special place in my heart. Things may change, you have to be brave and know that we love you and your brother very much. Mummy may not spend as much one on one time with you when baby brother comes out. But I promise you once I understand your brother we will have our special moments again. Just know that everyone loves you so much and that will never change.

If you need and want mummy, I will always be there for you. But give me time please to adjust to your new brother. We all need time to adjust to our new family member. But I promise you mummy and daddy will never neglect you. Don't ever feel you are replaced by your brother. Cause you are irreplaceable.

Maybe you are too young to understand fully who this didi is we keep telling you about. So don't be shocked when you see him. I know you will love you brother so much cause you just have so much love to give in your tiny heart. And you are so amazing.

Mummy loves you so much. Forever and ever you will always be my Lil angel....

To all mothers

There are many kinds of mothers in this world... those that gave birth to a healthy full term baby, breastfeeding mothers, those mothers who struggle with breastfeeding and are forced to give formula. Mothers with terminal disease but yet they fight through it for the sake of their child, mothers with children who suffer from terminal disease who have to fight strong to cheer their bubs up, surrogate mothers; babies who arent theirs but is it possible to detach yourself away from a foetus who clearly isnt yours but you carried for 10 whole months? Mothers who donate their eggs to let other women who are infertile have a child; morally and ethically it isnt your child but it has your genes and may somehow look a bit like you. Working mothers who juggle a 9-6pm job who dread leaving their child behind and have little time with their child, full time mothers who devote their life to their child, giving up their personally space and time to be with their child 24/7. Single mothers who decided to be brave and be a father and a mother to their child. Teen mums who made a mistake and although still a child themselves have to grow up very fast to be a responsible mother. Mothers who are in an abusive marriage but yet soldier on and do whatever it takes to protect their child.

And then there are mothers like me.... who spent my first mothers day in the nicu cheering my little bub along. No one wishes to be a mother like me. I remember last year during mothers day i just bawled my eyes out during lunch with Sean cause all i saw were families smiling and spending a special day with their children while mine was in the hospital fighting. All i wanted to rob her away from the hospital and bring her home to be with me.

Fast forward this year, I am truly blessed to be Gwyneth's mother. I never expected being a mother can be so rewarding and fulfilling. I am lucky enough to be with her for the past year and still continuing so. We have such a great and close bond; Im proud to say I cant even pee in peace cause all she wants is me. HAHA.

Whatever mother you are... just know that you are doing the best you can, being the best mother you can be for your child. And though G is so young, I know she knows that Im doing the best I can to fulfill my role as her mother.

So HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL! you deserve it great mothers (:

To the 2 amazing women in my life

As I lay awake in bed at 3.11am waiting for my macs to digest a lil n my husband snoring next to me... I suddenly remembered abt the strength n courage of 2 amazing women in my life: my mother n mother-in-law. 

Sean n I are considered miracle children. Cuz for 1 we could hav nt made it into this world. For Sean, it was dangerous for my mother-in-law to carry him cuz she had him pretty late n thr were some complications. But she found God to give her the strength n blessings to watch over Sean n her n both mother n son were fine. 

For me doctors didn't noe much abt my case. I was an experimental child of surgeries. My parents didn't even noe if I was gg to be a boy or girl. It wasn't dangerous for my mother to carry me but Becuz I'm special wif my condition.. Bringing me up won't be easy neither would it be cheap. My parents nv gave up on me or scrimped on my medical bills. They gave me the best treatments n made sure I stayed in private wards whenever I got admitted. 

This yr, Sean is turning 27 yrs old. N I 22 yrs old. Our baby is a miracle baby too. Cuz of my medical condition doctors weren't sure if I could even conceive! So the fact tt I hav this child growing in me is truly a gift n blessing frm God. 

I've been feeling so horrible n moody these days. N I don't want my mood to affect my baby. I need to remember tt these 2 women despite odds going against them, took the risk n many sacrifices to bring Sean n I into this world. Cuz if they weren't strong, we both wouldn't be here today. We wouldn't hav found each other.. We wouldn't hav married our soul mates or created our own lil family together. 

Someday my baby is gg to make another man fall in love so madly wif her. She's gg to be someone's girlfren, soulmate, wife and mother. She's gg to make someone very happy n noe the true meaning of being loved. She's gg to teach her own children wat we taught her. 

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself n embrace this nt so nice process. Cuz if my 2 mothers can do it... I can too. 

A mother's love is truly the greatest and most powerful feeling in this world.