The ups and downs of being L's mother

So im going to be very honest in this post. It really hasnt been easy being Levi's mother since his birth. There has been too many ups and downs, disappointments, time wasted, patience drying up, elated moments, feelings of hopelessness and exhaustion.

Being a 35weeker and a boarder line prem, i thought he wouldn't have any problems. The day i found out he has a slight birth defect (he cant pass motion on his own), my world crumbled. I questioned God n everyone around me. Why me? Why us? Why my sweet sweet boy? But the doctors and nurses at sgh were always reassuring that that is a cure. And for now we just have to help him get his poo out until he sees a surgeon and is scheduled for a surgery to correct it. There is a cure for this birth defect and its fair more common than we thought. Then his eye came up too. It was another slap in my face. Again? Another defect? Why??? Isnt one problem enough for him to handle?

I tried so hard to soldier on and stay strong for my boy. It was until his first washout that sean and i witnessed that sean was vulnerable and broken for his son. He saw his son suffering and it broke his heart. For me i was totally fine. Maybe because i myself have to cathetar myself several times a day, im used to seeing such things and as long as this is helping him, its ok.

It was always a waiting game when it came to Levi's 2 defects. His eye we were told by the eyelid specialist we had to wait till hes older and see what happens. With his rectum we had to wait till he was a good weight before a surgery could be done.

He finally hit 4 plus kgs n was given the green light to do a psarp surgery. Basically to shift his anus down and to make it bigger. Also to test if his intestines showed movement and a biopsy to rule out hirschsprung. 

I was so hopeful the surgery would cure him. But of course i was anxious too when they carried my fragile tiny baby away from me into the operating theatre.

Post surgery again we had to wait. And then abt more than 12hours post surgery Levi stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated. If he didnt recover on his own we could have lost him. At that moment when we received the call from the hospital sean and i were pretty calm. But thinking back yes my son could have died if he didnt have the strong will to live.

It was another waiting game cause he needed to fast for another 7days so to not poop n aggravate the wound. Once he started milk i wws hopeful that yes he will finally poo. We waited and waited. Nothing. Well just small stains not sufficient enough and he was getting too bloated. So back to washouts.

I was frustrated and losing my patience. I hated the sight of the hospital and making trips to the hospital everyday. I just wanted him home.

Finally he was given the green light to go home after 17 horrible long days. But still no spontaneous poo on his own. Whatever as long as my baby is home.

A few days later he managed to do 4 spontaneous poo on his own. I was soooo happy i snapped pictures and sent to family. I felt hopeful again. But then after 4 poops, nothing again.

Its been 2wks n nothing. Stains here n there but nothing as significant to celebrate about. So what now? What happens now? Do we really hav to keep waiting?

I hate that no actual diagnosis is given because his biopsy results are inconclusive. But the frustrating part is i have no clue what is going to happen next. Everyone keeps asking me and its honesty so hard to keep a straight face n say anything cause i just get so touchy and emotional that his surgery may not have worked.

So many friends and family always commend me for my bravery and being a mother of 2 at 23years old and 1 child having so many adversities. But really most days im hating the world n feeling bitter and resentful towards God for making my son like this. Now dont go preaching to me that i need to pray and trust in God. Cause thats wat ive been doing but apparently God must hate me or something. Ive heard this too many times "God doesnt give you more than you can handle." well he clearly forgot that im a mother now and im vulnerable and super weak when it comes to my kids. Well every mother is.

So yea my faith is indeed shaken now. Cause why of all the billions of people in this world why pick me to have 2 premature kids and i had to go through tough hospital journeys with?!

I know Levi's medical problems arent terminal and neither are they super major like those other terminally ill kids. But im sure every parent who has a not so well kid will blame God and question the why me why my child.

How fitting i chose to share this during Easter. I know im not a super devoted and faithful christian who prays everyday or go church every week. But ive never done any seriously bad horrible things for bad things to happen to my kids. So yea i feel its pretty unfair. How do I trust in a God that has somehow forsaken my child?

Im exhausted and frustrated. But i still need to find some where in me to stay strong for my child. Cause clearly he has a dam strong fighting spirit. Way stronger than me. Its so heartbreaking to hear your child scream in pain and face turns all red and voice goes hoarse every time i dilate him (insert a metal rod into his anus) twice a day. But he has truly showed me what a brave boy he is cause even though he goes through this crap twice a day, he still always smile and babbles happily after we are done with his dilation. He is indeed a great little baby.

I just need a miracle or a sign that things will only get better....

Loss...

These days i really have been struggling emotionally. I find myself crying alot. Mostly because i am preparing to mourn the loss of my relationship with Gwyn. You see in another 5-6weeks we will welcome her brother. She will no longer be our only child. She will no longer have all our attention. And this i find it so hard. I battle and struggle with this every night. Sometimes i find myself hugging her so tight cause i dont wanna let this relationship go. As i hold her tears will roll down my face. It breaks my heart thinking that when her brother comes im no longer just hers alone. Im also afraid how i would manage time with her alone. Especially trying to figure out a newborn and breastfeeding is going to take away time with G. G is surrounded by so many people who loves her. Im not worried of her being neglected or forgotten just because of her brother. But im afraid of the time baby L will rob away from her. And G and i are super close. As much as i should be resting and letting grandma, mama or daddy look after her more, i really wanna take these last few weeks to really treasure my time with her. You may think its silly but the fact is some things will change. And it is a phase all mothers expecting number 2 will go through. Whats even more sentimental is that G is a preemie. Shes our lil special warrior.




I also mourn the loss of my baby. My baby will no longer be my baby anymore but a full fledged toddler, a big sister. Time.. I also mourn the loss of time because these 18months of G's life has flown by too fast. And it hurts to think one day she won't need me anymore. She will no longer wanna hang out with mummy and daddy anymore, she no longer needs to be carried or want her hands to be held. Growing up really sucks...

This journey of motherhood is not going to be easy especially for someone so sentimental and emotional like me. And there will definitely be a lot of tears shed during the first few weeks of being a mother of two. So I can only pray for strength and a lot of support.



My dearest Gwyneth,

You are my first born and will always hold a special place in my heart. Things may change, you have to be brave and know that we love you and your brother very much. Mummy may not spend as much one on one time with you when baby brother comes out. But I promise you once I understand your brother we will have our special moments again. Just know that everyone loves you so much and that will never change.

If you need and want mummy, I will always be there for you. But give me time please to adjust to your new brother. We all need time to adjust to our new family member. But I promise you mummy and daddy will never neglect you. Don't ever feel you are replaced by your brother. Cause you are irreplaceable.

Maybe you are too young to understand fully who this didi is we keep telling you about. So don't be shocked when you see him. I know you will love you brother so much cause you just have so much love to give in your tiny heart. And you are so amazing.

Mummy loves you so much. Forever and ever you will always be my Lil angel....

2 children's emergency visits and 1 GP visit

On tuesday morning around 4am, sean and i got woken up by G's weird chesty and wheezy cough. But she still appeared very happy, busy talking and singing away. Luckily i checked her temperature cause i was battling with myself on whether to bring her to kkh. Her temp was 38 degrees. And we rushed down to kkh. Poor baby caught a viral infection. Was given a steroid med and we had to stay there for another 2hours so doctors can monitor her breathing and then oxygen level. Thankfully after 2hours she was discharged! Sean and i were exhausted cause we didnt sleep at all. She slept around 9am and off to bed i went too! Thankful sean took the afternoon off to help me look after G.

Then came night time where her fever suddenly spiked. My poor mum could hardly sleep as she was sponging her making sure she doesnt burn her brain. That was the start of her fever flactuating and all. Most exhausting next few days as she would be well one minute and the next her fever would be 39 and shes whiny and needy as hell. Which was very cute by the way! Haha

Thursday came and we decided to bring her to the GP again cause her fevers were high enough to be alarming. She had an ulcer at the back of her throat on tuesday which was the cause of infection but that was gone by thursday. So it was puzzling why her fever was still so high. But there was nothing much to be done as shes too young for antibiotics or cough syrups.

Then came friday where her fever hit the highest 40.1degrees! I made the decision to rush her to kkh and thankfully we didnt have to wait long because there were so many sick kids! G was happily talking and responding to the doctor despite a high fever so he wasnt too worried about the infection evolving into something more serious. By then i had came down with a flu and cough already. Dam this stupid virus seriously. She took a blood test and we waited an hour for the results and it came back clear. So we were sent home again

Saturday came.. I woke up with a fever, bad sore throat, cough and flu. Great I have officially been infected. Not a good time for me to fall sick at all!! I battled my fever and still went for a good friend's birthday party. But I was quiet as a mouse cause by night time my sore throat was so bad I couldn't even talk!!

By 12am I asked Sean to take me to a 24hour clinic cause I couldn't take it anymore. Waited 1hour plus cause for some reason everyone chose to be sick at this time too. Doctor says i was really weak (that i shall talk about why another time) Spent $190 (more ex than ane by the way but honestly best $190 I spent cause I do feel better after all the medications) Came home and popped all my pills and went to bed. My fever kept coming and going too. The amount of phlegm I had spat or sneezed out could probably fill a 1.5l PET bottle. Every time I swallow it feels like 2 crusty rocks rubbing against each other. Really FML this time.

Thankfully G's fever hasn't come back the whole of tonight. I guess she's better cause she's drinking my milk and she has passed the virus to me -.-

Now my sis and mum are coming down with a flu. But I'm so thankful for my family especially my mum for looking after G over the past few days. My mum hasn't fallen as sick like me despite having G sleep with her and not having much sleep either. I would have taken care of G on my own if I weren't so sick. So I'm thankful and G is blessed to have a loving grandma.

G and I are staying at my mum's this week as I'm too weak to look after her on my own and we don't wanna spread our nasty germs to the kids and family in the other house. Sean is also coughing already. So its best we 3 stay as far away as possible from each other. Hoping I get well by tomorrow!!

The most exhausting and trying week ever! G has never fallen this sick over the past year and I'm so thankful for that. This time there is some nasty virus going around and infecting all the children! Cause I know a few other friends kids who are down too. Sighhh... Must be the weird weather too.

Be gone virus!!!

To all mothers

There are many kinds of mothers in this world... those that gave birth to a healthy full term baby, breastfeeding mothers, those mothers who struggle with breastfeeding and are forced to give formula. Mothers with terminal disease but yet they fight through it for the sake of their child, mothers with children who suffer from terminal disease who have to fight strong to cheer their bubs up, surrogate mothers; babies who arent theirs but is it possible to detach yourself away from a foetus who clearly isnt yours but you carried for 10 whole months? Mothers who donate their eggs to let other women who are infertile have a child; morally and ethically it isnt your child but it has your genes and may somehow look a bit like you. Working mothers who juggle a 9-6pm job who dread leaving their child behind and have little time with their child, full time mothers who devote their life to their child, giving up their personally space and time to be with their child 24/7. Single mothers who decided to be brave and be a father and a mother to their child. Teen mums who made a mistake and although still a child themselves have to grow up very fast to be a responsible mother. Mothers who are in an abusive marriage but yet soldier on and do whatever it takes to protect their child.

And then there are mothers like me.... who spent my first mothers day in the nicu cheering my little bub along. No one wishes to be a mother like me. I remember last year during mothers day i just bawled my eyes out during lunch with Sean cause all i saw were families smiling and spending a special day with their children while mine was in the hospital fighting. All i wanted to rob her away from the hospital and bring her home to be with me.

Fast forward this year, I am truly blessed to be Gwyneth's mother. I never expected being a mother can be so rewarding and fulfilling. I am lucky enough to be with her for the past year and still continuing so. We have such a great and close bond; Im proud to say I cant even pee in peace cause all she wants is me. HAHA.

Whatever mother you are... just know that you are doing the best you can, being the best mother you can be for your child. And though G is so young, I know she knows that Im doing the best I can to fulfill my role as her mother.

So HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL! you deserve it great mothers (:

Gwyneth's magical pony 1st birthday

Finally getting my butt down to blog about G's first birthday. And i did mention in a few posts back i will be sharing where i got the stuffs for the party and all. 

(PS: none of these are sponsored. I sourced and paid everything, except for candy)

Picking a theme was never difficult. in fact i knew what theme i wanted the day she was born (or even earlier haha!) Since she was born in the year of a horse and shes a girl, My Little Pony was the theme. It was a no brainer since i love all these magical and rainbow. 

We rented some toys as there would be a couple of kids. We didnt want a party that was boring where children sat around and did nothing. And I managed to find a very affordable toy rental company. Got a small bouncy castle and a small play gym for the babies. Additional green tunnel was our own which we got from Ikea. 

Toys from: http://www.toys4rent.sg

Though they arrived a bit late to set up, it is unavoidable since it was a saturday and many childrens parties fall on that day. They did clean and sanitise the toys before leaving which I felt was good! i mean kids germs and all. And the toys were in good condition. The person in charge were flexible too. I managed to negotiate and change some of the party combos they have. So if you see toys you want and arent in the combo package, feel free to email Deborah and she can work something out. 

Customised candy from: Made In Candy (Sponsored since it is our own company) 

Ive always wanted a dessert table since my wedding but getting people to do them is so expensive. I love that companies do personalise things and all but really for the money i rather save it and do it myself. So I customised a banner with a picture of G, with her name and ponies on it. Graphics, price and quality were great!

Banner from: http://signtech.com.sg/printing-services/

All balloons from: http://www.wowletsparty.com/

Store:  69 Moulmein Road #01-81 S(300069)

Big Unicorn, First birthday bouquet, 35 latex balloons, 1 walking unicorn and 12 small foil My Little Pony. 

I got a basic balloon package from them which was $90 and added the other balloons.   http://www.wowletsparty.com/birthday-package-a/

I ordered these customised lil steam nutella cakes for the dessert table. Alot of people loved it and it had generous amount of nutella. 

Steam cakes from: https://www.facebook.com/littlesweettoothbakes?fref=ts

Old school animal, gem and alphabet biscuits from: Biscuit King 

Address: 130 Casuarina Road 

Baskets of mini breads: Four Leaves

Then we made little rainbow marshmellow balls using fruity pebbles. And then daddy made the rice krispy treats using rice krispy cereal puffs. 

Very easy to make. Just put a little bit of butter and marshmellows in a plastic bowl and microwave till it completely melts. then mix fruit pebbles or rice krispy and its done! 

Daddy hard at work 

We printed these huge MLP ponies for decor cause its just too cute! haha

This was G at the start of party when guests started slowly streaming in. She was obviously tired and totally not having fun. haha we managed to put her to sleep for a while while we waited for more guests to come. and by the time the hall was filled she was up and all ready to party! 

Lil Aiden

Finding a cake wasnt much of a challenge either as I knew i did not want to pay an exorbent amount on fondant cakes and I havent found a place which i really liked yet. I had a jelly cake once for my birthday when i was 8. So i thought of a jelly cake immediately and im thankful i did cause everyone raved about the cake!! i was super impressed that she managed to draw up the ponies in a jelly shape!! and mind you that can be eaten too! not only was she affordable but the art work was spot on!! taste was great too! not too sweet and texture was bouncy just like how a jelly should be. im happy to say i have found my official cake person if i ever wanna do jelly cakes again! 

But really the picture doesnt do the cake justice. but im glad all my guests managed to see it up close and everyone had all praises for it! 

Jelly cake from: https://www.facebook.com/BarbieJellyCake?fref=ts

G was so happy that day. Her smile lighted up the room and she made my heart sing. nothing makes me happier then seeing her happy and even though she probably wont remember her 1st party, i know she had fun! 

with my young parents clan. both who are gywneth's boyfriends! haha

Aunty and her lil bubba

Mama and Kong Kong with their Famous 5 grand children

4 generations 

Daddy managed to capture these pure sweet and happy moments of our lil angel 

Grandpa had so much fun with the birthday girl too. taking her on the castle and playing with her. moments like this im glad i have these pictures. these pictures are priceless. 

we have watched each other grow. from those wild drunk days to having families of our own...

I really felt it was my birthday! haha but since it was a magical pony theme obviously i had to dress to fit the theme right. everyone was wondering whose party it was! haha 

And finally my niece with the 2 giant ponies. 

Still cant believe G is 1 years old already. amazing how time has flown by. but then again because she is premature she really isnt 1 yet. so i get to celebrate her officially being 1 on 26th june again. I marvel at how much she has grown and how amazingly healthy she is. 

At 1 years old (corrected age 10mths) G can... 

-say 'mama, dada, nana, yaya, papa and other gibberish words'

-crawls super fast 

-climbs on the table 

-climbs out of a high chair and climbs onto the table 

-cruising 

-she loves steam egg, udon, fried rice, noodles, cakes, pao, french toast, pancakes 

-knows how to clap her hands

-feed herself using her hands 

-feed herself using a small fork 

-knows how to do the action of 'no more'

-waves 

-does a happy dance whenever she loves whatever she is eating 

-pulls the dogs ears and tail, pulls the cats fur 

-chases the cat/finds the cat 

-squeals in excitement whenever she sees the cat 

-cuddles with the dog 

-knows how to crawl up stairs 

-loves the slide and indoor playground 

-loves the ball pit 

-knows the word 'shake' and she will shake the bottle she is holding 

-knows how to play dead (she would fall backwards when we go "BANG") its really hilarious 

-she is super clingy to me (breastfeeding mother problems)

being a mother to this lil angel has been the most rewarding and my greatest achievement of my life. im truly blessed that God gifted us this amazing warrior; she fought for her life during the first 2 months and since then she has been perfectly healthy. out of this 1 year she has never really fallen sick and has taken her immunisation jabs very well too. she has only gotten slight flus and coughs which go away pretty fast. she is a blessed child and im proud that she is mine.