The ups and downs of being L's mother

So im going to be very honest in this post. It really hasnt been easy being Levi's mother since his birth. There has been too many ups and downs, disappointments, time wasted, patience drying up, elated moments, feelings of hopelessness and exhaustion.

Being a 35weeker and a boarder line prem, i thought he wouldn't have any problems. The day i found out he has a slight birth defect (he cant pass motion on his own), my world crumbled. I questioned God n everyone around me. Why me? Why us? Why my sweet sweet boy? But the doctors and nurses at sgh were always reassuring that that is a cure. And for now we just have to help him get his poo out until he sees a surgeon and is scheduled for a surgery to correct it. There is a cure for this birth defect and its fair more common than we thought. Then his eye came up too. It was another slap in my face. Again? Another defect? Why??? Isnt one problem enough for him to handle?

I tried so hard to soldier on and stay strong for my boy. It was until his first washout that sean and i witnessed that sean was vulnerable and broken for his son. He saw his son suffering and it broke his heart. For me i was totally fine. Maybe because i myself have to cathetar myself several times a day, im used to seeing such things and as long as this is helping him, its ok.

It was always a waiting game when it came to Levi's 2 defects. His eye we were told by the eyelid specialist we had to wait till hes older and see what happens. With his rectum we had to wait till he was a good weight before a surgery could be done.

He finally hit 4 plus kgs n was given the green light to do a psarp surgery. Basically to shift his anus down and to make it bigger. Also to test if his intestines showed movement and a biopsy to rule out hirschsprung. 

I was so hopeful the surgery would cure him. But of course i was anxious too when they carried my fragile tiny baby away from me into the operating theatre.

Post surgery again we had to wait. And then abt more than 12hours post surgery Levi stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated. If he didnt recover on his own we could have lost him. At that moment when we received the call from the hospital sean and i were pretty calm. But thinking back yes my son could have died if he didnt have the strong will to live.

It was another waiting game cause he needed to fast for another 7days so to not poop n aggravate the wound. Once he started milk i wws hopeful that yes he will finally poo. We waited and waited. Nothing. Well just small stains not sufficient enough and he was getting too bloated. So back to washouts.

I was frustrated and losing my patience. I hated the sight of the hospital and making trips to the hospital everyday. I just wanted him home.

Finally he was given the green light to go home after 17 horrible long days. But still no spontaneous poo on his own. Whatever as long as my baby is home.

A few days later he managed to do 4 spontaneous poo on his own. I was soooo happy i snapped pictures and sent to family. I felt hopeful again. But then after 4 poops, nothing again.

Its been 2wks n nothing. Stains here n there but nothing as significant to celebrate about. So what now? What happens now? Do we really hav to keep waiting?

I hate that no actual diagnosis is given because his biopsy results are inconclusive. But the frustrating part is i have no clue what is going to happen next. Everyone keeps asking me and its honesty so hard to keep a straight face n say anything cause i just get so touchy and emotional that his surgery may not have worked.

So many friends and family always commend me for my bravery and being a mother of 2 at 23years old and 1 child having so many adversities. But really most days im hating the world n feeling bitter and resentful towards God for making my son like this. Now dont go preaching to me that i need to pray and trust in God. Cause thats wat ive been doing but apparently God must hate me or something. Ive heard this too many times "God doesnt give you more than you can handle." well he clearly forgot that im a mother now and im vulnerable and super weak when it comes to my kids. Well every mother is.

So yea my faith is indeed shaken now. Cause why of all the billions of people in this world why pick me to have 2 premature kids and i had to go through tough hospital journeys with?!

I know Levi's medical problems arent terminal and neither are they super major like those other terminally ill kids. But im sure every parent who has a not so well kid will blame God and question the why me why my child.

How fitting i chose to share this during Easter. I know im not a super devoted and faithful christian who prays everyday or go church every week. But ive never done any seriously bad horrible things for bad things to happen to my kids. So yea i feel its pretty unfair. How do I trust in a God that has somehow forsaken my child?

Im exhausted and frustrated. But i still need to find some where in me to stay strong for my child. Cause clearly he has a dam strong fighting spirit. Way stronger than me. Its so heartbreaking to hear your child scream in pain and face turns all red and voice goes hoarse every time i dilate him (insert a metal rod into his anus) twice a day. But he has truly showed me what a brave boy he is cause even though he goes through this crap twice a day, he still always smile and babbles happily after we are done with his dilation. He is indeed a great little baby.

I just need a miracle or a sign that things will only get better....

Moving forward

I've been a stay at home mum (sahm) for more than a year now. I've graduated from university for 1.5years. I'm still jobless. Do I regret doing the reverse: graduating, getting married then having a kid? No I don't. I absolutely love how my life has fallen into place.

Yes I had big plans. When I graduated I wanted to take a year to job hop and experience different things and find something I absolutely love and slowly build my career for 2-3 years. Then head to Melbourne to do my Masters in Monash. By then I would be 24/25 and have attained my Masters then get married to Sean and have a kid that very year.

Well obviously plans changed. Looks like now I will still be getting my Masters when I'm 24 but with little work experience or no career. But to me at least I know I have my certifications and I am doing some volunteering on the sides now. And I have the first few years to be with my child and watch her grow. When she's in kindergarten being busy with her life.. I will too as I start building my career. I know some people who only start their career at 25 too. But do they have a beautiful family like me? Nope. So I'm truly blessed.

Friends my age are either in their last year of uni or have just graduated, taking a gap year before they embark on their career or looking for jobs. Some are still partying, not attached or no where near finding a life partner. To each his own. But I'm truly blessed with everything I've got now.

A few days ago I felt pressured that I still don't have a career. But hey everyone's  paths are and will be different. There's no "correct" path on how you should be living your life or achieving what are what age. I know I'm not being a bum cause I'm constantly looking out for opportunities. But plans are constantly changing. Something exciting will happen soon and embracing all these change of plans.

Through the past few weeks I've learnt to live my own life and not bother about what and how others will look at me. Its exhausting to keep up with unnecessary comments and all the negativity. So meh... I'm happy can already!

To the 2 amazing women in my life

As I lay awake in bed at 3.11am waiting for my macs to digest a lil n my husband snoring next to me... I suddenly remembered abt the strength n courage of 2 amazing women in my life: my mother n mother-in-law. 

Sean n I are considered miracle children. Cuz for 1 we could hav nt made it into this world. For Sean, it was dangerous for my mother-in-law to carry him cuz she had him pretty late n thr were some complications. But she found God to give her the strength n blessings to watch over Sean n her n both mother n son were fine. 

For me doctors didn't noe much abt my case. I was an experimental child of surgeries. My parents didn't even noe if I was gg to be a boy or girl. It wasn't dangerous for my mother to carry me but Becuz I'm special wif my condition.. Bringing me up won't be easy neither would it be cheap. My parents nv gave up on me or scrimped on my medical bills. They gave me the best treatments n made sure I stayed in private wards whenever I got admitted. 

This yr, Sean is turning 27 yrs old. N I 22 yrs old. Our baby is a miracle baby too. Cuz of my medical condition doctors weren't sure if I could even conceive! So the fact tt I hav this child growing in me is truly a gift n blessing frm God. 

I've been feeling so horrible n moody these days. N I don't want my mood to affect my baby. I need to remember tt these 2 women despite odds going against them, took the risk n many sacrifices to bring Sean n I into this world. Cuz if they weren't strong, we both wouldn't be here today. We wouldn't hav found each other.. We wouldn't hav married our soul mates or created our own lil family together. 

Someday my baby is gg to make another man fall in love so madly wif her. She's gg to be someone's girlfren, soulmate, wife and mother. She's gg to make someone very happy n noe the true meaning of being loved. She's gg to teach her own children wat we taught her. 

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself n embrace this nt so nice process. Cuz if my 2 mothers can do it... I can too. 

A mother's love is truly the greatest and most powerful feeling in this world. 

24 wks n 3 days thoughts

So I was feeling all crappy n sorry for myself all day. Cause being pregnant is suppose to be all magical wif unicorns n butterflies. Like tts hw most movies or people portray it to be rite? I mean I nv gave my pregnancy a thought at all because I didn't think I would be pregnant so early so yea I didn't hav time to think abt wat it would be like pregnant. It jus happened too quickly. 

U see movies n all tt crap don't tell u the back pains u will experience. N growing pains u will get as u bloat up like a pufferfish. Some women get swollen feet which I'm thankful I'm nt at tt stage yet. Some break out on their face cuz of hormones n I'm thankful I don't hav tt. Instead many hav told me hw radiant n gd I look nw even wifout make up (hence I've been abusing this radiant natural glow n gg out bare face ALOT nw. Last time I die die won't go out wifout make up). 

I jus wish it was all easier than this. But if it was than everyone would be popping babies out like candies. I jus wish I had a much more beautiful experience than this. I wish I could tell my baby hw amazing it was carrying her in my belly. But this isn't the case. 

Right nw I jus want her to grow healthily and well for the remaining 16 wks she has in me so tt when I finally hold her in my arms... All this was all worth it. I know when I hold her in my arms for the veri first time it would feel so satisfying tt these 10mths hav came n gone.. Though suffering it was all worth it. 

I jus watched 'itsjudytime's' birth of her twins on YouTube n I jus can't wait to hold my baby. My husband actually watched it wif me n said he may jus puke if he has to cut the cord of baby. I laughed. He knew I had a crappy day today n he jus kept encouraging me n being by my side as I cried n whined. Every waking moment I thank The Lord for guiding me towards finding him. Cuz realli Sean is the most patient person. He always noes wat to say to make everything feel better. N the 3 times I've gotten hospitalized he always stayed over wif me at the ward cuz I'm scared to sleep alone esp in hospitals. I jus know he's gg to be an amAzing father. Another reason y I can't wait for this baby to be born cuz it's another side of Sean I will see n fall in love wif all over again. 

15 weeks n 4 days left till we see ur lil face. 

24 weeks n 2 days thoughts

Totally not feeling it today. In the worse mood ever n it's even worse when I can't even sleep it off. Normally when I'm in a foul mood I would jus lock myself up in my room n sleep the day n away n feel so much better when I wake up. Nw Becuz I'm freakin like Humpty Dumpty wif back aches n growing abdominal cramps... I can't get into a comfy position to sleep. I had to cry n tire myself out n I fell asleep. 

Feeling super miserable today. For some reason I jus keep crying n feeling so frustrated when I think abt hw hard this pregnancy has been. Like it's another 16 horrible weeks of this. I'm trying so hard to stay positive cuz "happy mummy = happy baby" n watever u feel gets somehow passed to baby. I don't want my child to feel unwanted cuz she's not!! I love her so much but it's jus so difficult!! I realli wanna enjoy this whole process but I realli am not. The onli enjoyable thing abt it is tt I get to meet my precious lil one at the end of all this torture. I jus pray for strength n perserverance for the remaining long n hard 16 weeks. 

(Edited)

I wake up to this every wkend(: this is pure blissful family love. 

I made pancakes a few days ago n my husband loved it so much he asked for it today. So it was another fluffy day! 

Still feeling so out of it. I realli need a dam bloody awesome sleep. Cause I realli havnt slept well in a dam long time!! Sighhh n then when baby comes my sleep will also be gone. Horrible 

Nw I've come down wif a wheezing kinda cough which also keeps me up. Realli when can I ever rest!!!?