Loss...

These days i really have been struggling emotionally. I find myself crying alot. Mostly because i am preparing to mourn the loss of my relationship with Gwyn. You see in another 5-6weeks we will welcome her brother. She will no longer be our only child. She will no longer have all our attention. And this i find it so hard. I battle and struggle with this every night. Sometimes i find myself hugging her so tight cause i dont wanna let this relationship go. As i hold her tears will roll down my face. It breaks my heart thinking that when her brother comes im no longer just hers alone. Im also afraid how i would manage time with her alone. Especially trying to figure out a newborn and breastfeeding is going to take away time with G. G is surrounded by so many people who loves her. Im not worried of her being neglected or forgotten just because of her brother. But im afraid of the time baby L will rob away from her. And G and i are super close. As much as i should be resting and letting grandma, mama or daddy look after her more, i really wanna take these last few weeks to really treasure my time with her. You may think its silly but the fact is some things will change. And it is a phase all mothers expecting number 2 will go through. Whats even more sentimental is that G is a preemie. Shes our lil special warrior.




I also mourn the loss of my baby. My baby will no longer be my baby anymore but a full fledged toddler, a big sister. Time.. I also mourn the loss of time because these 18months of G's life has flown by too fast. And it hurts to think one day she won't need me anymore. She will no longer wanna hang out with mummy and daddy anymore, she no longer needs to be carried or want her hands to be held. Growing up really sucks...

This journey of motherhood is not going to be easy especially for someone so sentimental and emotional like me. And there will definitely be a lot of tears shed during the first few weeks of being a mother of two. So I can only pray for strength and a lot of support.



My dearest Gwyneth,

You are my first born and will always hold a special place in my heart. Things may change, you have to be brave and know that we love you and your brother very much. Mummy may not spend as much one on one time with you when baby brother comes out. But I promise you once I understand your brother we will have our special moments again. Just know that everyone loves you so much and that will never change.

If you need and want mummy, I will always be there for you. But give me time please to adjust to your new brother. We all need time to adjust to our new family member. But I promise you mummy and daddy will never neglect you. Don't ever feel you are replaced by your brother. Cause you are irreplaceable.

Maybe you are too young to understand fully who this didi is we keep telling you about. So don't be shocked when you see him. I know you will love you brother so much cause you just have so much love to give in your tiny heart. And you are so amazing.

Mummy loves you so much. Forever and ever you will always be my Lil angel....

Week 26

Did not write about the past few weeks cause everything is pretty much the same. But one weird thing that changed was peeing. Because of my medical condition and augmentations i have in my insides, i cant pee normally. Like sit on the toilet and pee like every normal female. Ive been using a cathetar since birth. When i was 6 my mum taught me how to do it on my own just before i went to primary school. When i had to pee when i was in kindergarten, she had to come at specific times to help me. A bit of a back story. This is why im so susceptible to UTIs and all cause it is a foreign object entering my body. On the plus side when im forced to use dirty public toilets or squat toilets (especially when i travel) im blessed because i stand and pee and dont have to sit and touch the dirty toilet bowls. I will always be like this for life. Ive gotten used to it and its a norm to me! Initially i was embarrassed and found it such a hassle. And i was afraid of what my future partner would think about it. Sean has never seen me as being imperfect with a medical condition. Instead hes more concerned especially when i come down with UTIs and while being pregnant with G, he was concerned if my body could take it having no experience in such area. Actually we all were so uncertain on what to expect and all. I really suffered while being pregnant with G whenever i had UTIs. Poor sean had to endure my cries every night.

Now with baby2, we kinda know that we must prevent my UTIs and all. And with this pregnancy, it seems a lil easier now. The morning sickness was worse but i only had two UTI episodes and i remember with G i was crying every night and i really hated being pregnant. I still hate the process of being pregnant but its much more tolerable.

Anyways with this pregnancy, i can now spontaneously pee without the use of a cathetar. Which is both good and bad. Good because its like a change in my medical condition bad because i pee myself which is super annoying. If my bladder is slightly fuller, i pee myself -.- sometimes im in public and it really sucks!! Happened once in taiwan and we were stuck in a car on a road trip. Sometimes sean and i will be out and i will just stop and stand stationary. He used to ask me wth am i doing. Now he knows. Haha or i will be carrying G at home and i will have to immediately drop her and rush to the toilet.

Baby's kicks has been super strong too. stronger than G. But now i realise he loves to kick me so down below that i feel him at my down there sometimes!! Which is honestly a very bizarre and creepy feeling. Like hes going to punch or kick his way out. And it is painful too! So i believe he has turned yet hence his limbs are stretching and reaching all the way down below.

Oh and my back is starting to hurt. Sigh... Im honestly not very big still though. Most days i can be in baggy home clothes and my mother in law's friends wont know im pregnant. Or i can be wearing a loosely fitted top or dress and people still cant tell im pregnant (i get banged into in public still. Wtf). So yea sean says i just look fat -.- ive gained about 4.5kgs as of now. I started off at 45kgs, lost 2kgs along the way and now im slowly hitting 50kgs.

Going for our 26 week check up on Thursday and sean and i are always excited cause we get to see how baby is doing. And i also get to "complain" about my weird symptoms and get reassurance by my gynae that everything is going well.