Levi's birth story...

Levi turned 8mths yesterday n only now im sharing his birth story haha! I actually wrote it in my phone but i changed phone n havnt found time to sit down and write again. So anyways on 1st dec 2015 (Tuesday), sean had to work late n because i didnt want to be alone at his place i got my sis to come pick me up to go back to woodlands. At that time my mum was in bkk. On 2nd dec (Wednesday), we intended to stay at woodlands for the week. G n i had our afternoon nap and when i woke up at 5pm, i felt my tummy tighten. My belly was so hard to the touch and i knew i was having contractions. U see with G's birth i never felt contractions and did not know what to feel or look out for. Thank u Google cause i knew tightening of belly was one of the signs. I quickly called sean crying cause i was in alot of pain. This time my hospital bag was packed already! I took a shower n sean picked G n i up and dropped G back at seletar cause my mum wasnt back from bkk yet. It was about 8.30pm by the time we got to the labour ward and my contractions were pretty regular every 2mins. I got hooked up onto the machines and every nurse who saw me said "finally going to pop huh!" i was 35weeks then. The anesthesiologist came in and spoke to me about epidural. I dont know if she read my records but i knew i wanted GA only. Then walks in my awesome gynae! "so today is the day huh!" by 9.30pm i got wheeled into the OT and even though I experienced being wheeled in alone without Sean before, i was still scared. I hated the parting. He kissed me and off i went. This time there were so many med students in the OT cause i was a good learning case for them haha! I remember being asked alot of questions, touching me every where and then this metal probe went down my throat. This was new i dont remember having this wif G. It hurt like hell btw! Gas mask over my mouth and off i drifted! (i do love the floaty GA feeling).

I woke up in recovery and my throat was so painful and dry. It was already 11.30pm by then and i was still in pain. The nurse asked me if i needed morphine lol of course i said yes! When can u ever get a drug for medical reasons?! Lol and i immediately felt floaty n dam high la! Lol. I was drifting in n out of sleep till i got wheeled to the ward. Because it was late, sean was upstairs seeing baby and the nurse was quick to come and squeeze out my colostrum. I was able to syringe out 1ml right after delivering!

By the next morning, physio came to make me get out of bed. I dreaded it la!! But by that very day i was walking around (still in pain) but i knew the drill la. Walk to recover faster. And sean came to get me to wheel me up to see my son. Still couldnt believe i have such a beautiful boy.

He was up at the high dependency ward. No breathing or lung issue. Just jaundice and that was when they discovered his poo problem (he didnt pass the meconium 24hrs after delivery). Anyways thats a story for another day!

He had to stay at the hospital for 19days due to his medical issue and all. So again i suffered the loss of going home without baby. And then it hit me hard that my PND was worse this time around. Maybe because i had more expectations of him. I suffered n carried him 6wks more than his sister but yet he had more medical issues (yes not related to preterm labour but still). He couldn't pass motion, his right eye couldnt open fully. I was so fixated on his imperfections at one point i was angry at my son (wtf). I kept wondering why me again? Why must i go through all this shit again!? And why is my son like that?! I was angry that he wasnt "perfect" looking. I was scared of what people would say about his eye or whether he would get bullied. It took me a while to get over it (with the help of my husband). I still loved my son of course but his imperfections made me worry alot! N finally he came home but we had to go straight to kkh (which shall be a story for another day).

And now 8mths later (surgery, warded last mth) hes forever my happy boy! He wakes up every morning at 7am and is happily babbling away in his cot till i go n pick him up and he flashed the biggest smile ever! (: i always thought being a mother of 2 means splitting my energy, love n attention to 2. But no. I have more love and attention to give to both G n L

The ups and downs of being L's mother

So im going to be very honest in this post. It really hasnt been easy being Levi's mother since his birth. There has been too many ups and downs, disappointments, time wasted, patience drying up, elated moments, feelings of hopelessness and exhaustion.

Being a 35weeker and a boarder line prem, i thought he wouldn't have any problems. The day i found out he has a slight birth defect (he cant pass motion on his own), my world crumbled. I questioned God n everyone around me. Why me? Why us? Why my sweet sweet boy? But the doctors and nurses at sgh were always reassuring that that is a cure. And for now we just have to help him get his poo out until he sees a surgeon and is scheduled for a surgery to correct it. There is a cure for this birth defect and its fair more common than we thought. Then his eye came up too. It was another slap in my face. Again? Another defect? Why??? Isnt one problem enough for him to handle?

I tried so hard to soldier on and stay strong for my boy. It was until his first washout that sean and i witnessed that sean was vulnerable and broken for his son. He saw his son suffering and it broke his heart. For me i was totally fine. Maybe because i myself have to cathetar myself several times a day, im used to seeing such things and as long as this is helping him, its ok.

It was always a waiting game when it came to Levi's 2 defects. His eye we were told by the eyelid specialist we had to wait till hes older and see what happens. With his rectum we had to wait till he was a good weight before a surgery could be done.

He finally hit 4 plus kgs n was given the green light to do a psarp surgery. Basically to shift his anus down and to make it bigger. Also to test if his intestines showed movement and a biopsy to rule out hirschsprung. 

I was so hopeful the surgery would cure him. But of course i was anxious too when they carried my fragile tiny baby away from me into the operating theatre.

Post surgery again we had to wait. And then abt more than 12hours post surgery Levi stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated. If he didnt recover on his own we could have lost him. At that moment when we received the call from the hospital sean and i were pretty calm. But thinking back yes my son could have died if he didnt have the strong will to live.

It was another waiting game cause he needed to fast for another 7days so to not poop n aggravate the wound. Once he started milk i wws hopeful that yes he will finally poo. We waited and waited. Nothing. Well just small stains not sufficient enough and he was getting too bloated. So back to washouts.

I was frustrated and losing my patience. I hated the sight of the hospital and making trips to the hospital everyday. I just wanted him home.

Finally he was given the green light to go home after 17 horrible long days. But still no spontaneous poo on his own. Whatever as long as my baby is home.

A few days later he managed to do 4 spontaneous poo on his own. I was soooo happy i snapped pictures and sent to family. I felt hopeful again. But then after 4 poops, nothing again.

Its been 2wks n nothing. Stains here n there but nothing as significant to celebrate about. So what now? What happens now? Do we really hav to keep waiting?

I hate that no actual diagnosis is given because his biopsy results are inconclusive. But the frustrating part is i have no clue what is going to happen next. Everyone keeps asking me and its honesty so hard to keep a straight face n say anything cause i just get so touchy and emotional that his surgery may not have worked.

So many friends and family always commend me for my bravery and being a mother of 2 at 23years old and 1 child having so many adversities. But really most days im hating the world n feeling bitter and resentful towards God for making my son like this. Now dont go preaching to me that i need to pray and trust in God. Cause thats wat ive been doing but apparently God must hate me or something. Ive heard this too many times "God doesnt give you more than you can handle." well he clearly forgot that im a mother now and im vulnerable and super weak when it comes to my kids. Well every mother is.

So yea my faith is indeed shaken now. Cause why of all the billions of people in this world why pick me to have 2 premature kids and i had to go through tough hospital journeys with?!

I know Levi's medical problems arent terminal and neither are they super major like those other terminally ill kids. But im sure every parent who has a not so well kid will blame God and question the why me why my child.

How fitting i chose to share this during Easter. I know im not a super devoted and faithful christian who prays everyday or go church every week. But ive never done any seriously bad horrible things for bad things to happen to my kids. So yea i feel its pretty unfair. How do I trust in a God that has somehow forsaken my child?

Im exhausted and frustrated. But i still need to find some where in me to stay strong for my child. Cause clearly he has a dam strong fighting spirit. Way stronger than me. Its so heartbreaking to hear your child scream in pain and face turns all red and voice goes hoarse every time i dilate him (insert a metal rod into his anus) twice a day. But he has truly showed me what a brave boy he is cause even though he goes through this crap twice a day, he still always smile and babbles happily after we are done with his dilation. He is indeed a great little baby.

I just need a miracle or a sign that things will only get better....

Day 3

Less than 7hours to go till his surgery. Hes protesting his hunger by screaming again and coaxing him takes a while. Im beyond cranky and tired. And im up pumping now.

After his surgery he will be moved to the high dependency ward which we cant stay (theres no proper bed) so at least for the next couple of days i get to rest again. I really cant do such hospital stays already. I hate staying at hospitals now. I used to not mind it (i dont know why) but i guess in these recent years ive become a frequent stayer its getting annoying.

Im nervous, exhausted and emotional. I cradle L and tears roll down my face. Sigh the 3-4hours during his surgery is going to be agonising. Being a mother in such circumstances is not nice. 

Day 1 and 2 of L's admission

It was a mad morning. Both kiddies woke up at 6am n refuse to go back to sleep. So sean n i were up by then. Got ready n headed to the hospital for L's admission. Hes in for his minor/major surgery to correct his rectum problem.

Its been a very tiring day. Thankfully i managed to nap with L in his cot. And im missing G like mad! I need that funny clown to make me laugh my anxiety away.

Being a parent when your child needs to go for a procedure is not fun at all. Had the worse night ever where i got so upset he had to completely stop milk and only given glucose water. He was so hungry and angry he screamed the whole ward down. I really wanted to give him my boob but i know i cant since he has a minor procedure to insert an iv line.

Hes now having the line inserted. Anxiety level check: mild. Cause its minor and he was sleeping so soundly when i handed him over to the nurse. But tomorrow, hes first on the list for surgery and its a major op. I get teary just thinking about it and my anxiety sky rockets. Sigh.. Praying this would be the last!!!

Loss...

These days i really have been struggling emotionally. I find myself crying alot. Mostly because i am preparing to mourn the loss of my relationship with Gwyn. You see in another 5-6weeks we will welcome her brother. She will no longer be our only child. She will no longer have all our attention. And this i find it so hard. I battle and struggle with this every night. Sometimes i find myself hugging her so tight cause i dont wanna let this relationship go. As i hold her tears will roll down my face. It breaks my heart thinking that when her brother comes im no longer just hers alone. Im also afraid how i would manage time with her alone. Especially trying to figure out a newborn and breastfeeding is going to take away time with G. G is surrounded by so many people who loves her. Im not worried of her being neglected or forgotten just because of her brother. But im afraid of the time baby L will rob away from her. And G and i are super close. As much as i should be resting and letting grandma, mama or daddy look after her more, i really wanna take these last few weeks to really treasure my time with her. You may think its silly but the fact is some things will change. And it is a phase all mothers expecting number 2 will go through. Whats even more sentimental is that G is a preemie. Shes our lil special warrior.




I also mourn the loss of my baby. My baby will no longer be my baby anymore but a full fledged toddler, a big sister. Time.. I also mourn the loss of time because these 18months of G's life has flown by too fast. And it hurts to think one day she won't need me anymore. She will no longer wanna hang out with mummy and daddy anymore, she no longer needs to be carried or want her hands to be held. Growing up really sucks...

This journey of motherhood is not going to be easy especially for someone so sentimental and emotional like me. And there will definitely be a lot of tears shed during the first few weeks of being a mother of two. So I can only pray for strength and a lot of support.



My dearest Gwyneth,

You are my first born and will always hold a special place in my heart. Things may change, you have to be brave and know that we love you and your brother very much. Mummy may not spend as much one on one time with you when baby brother comes out. But I promise you once I understand your brother we will have our special moments again. Just know that everyone loves you so much and that will never change.

If you need and want mummy, I will always be there for you. But give me time please to adjust to your new brother. We all need time to adjust to our new family member. But I promise you mummy and daddy will never neglect you. Don't ever feel you are replaced by your brother. Cause you are irreplaceable.

Maybe you are too young to understand fully who this didi is we keep telling you about. So don't be shocked when you see him. I know you will love you brother so much cause you just have so much love to give in your tiny heart. And you are so amazing.

Mummy loves you so much. Forever and ever you will always be my Lil angel....

Week 29

I'm officially 29wks n 5 days today! The gestation week I gave birth to G and so far baby L has been doing great!! Ever so active kicking and punching me inside. No signs of any early Labour so yay!!!

We celebrated Sean's birthday over the weekend at Crown Plaza hotel cause since we can't travel why not make it seem as if we are! Haha we have staycations every year on Sean's birthday. Last year we didn't take G but we decided to take her this year. She went to Pan Pac with us in Feb to celebrate our wedding anniversary but she was too young to really enjoy or be aware that hotel stays are so fun. Haha this time she was ecstatic!!

Daddy was late at work and I was feeling frustrated being home with her alone so I grabbed our huge ass heavy staycation bag, her diaper bag and toddler, called a cab and made our way down first. Luckily we were at the airport and had trolleys. So I put G on the rectangle bit and other bags on the trolley and off we took a long walk from 1 end of terminal 3 to the hotel which was so stupid cause I could have just stopped right outside the hotel -.- but never she enjoyed her Lil ride.

Checked us in first and the room was honestly not bad(: added to our list of favorite staycation spots! Service was great too! And once we entered the room G was bouncing off the walls! Haha like literally running n climbing up and down the bed, falling right into the fluffy pillows! She was that excited and happy. So cute that made me n daddy laugh so much! She was honestly excited till the time she slept at night!

Took her to play at the Mr Bean indoor playground which I felt was so expensive for such a tiny place but she has been dying to go there since we last went to the airport and walked past it. So this time we decided to let her play to make her happier. And she was so happy laughing and running around in there! Anything to make our Lil princess happy(:

Sean and I were just saying that next year this time we will have another Lil bubba to join us on our staycation adventure! Haha

Anyways I digress.. Suppose to talk about my week 29 symptoms.

-bad back aches
-baby L's movements are so hard that it really hurts me when he/she kicks! And baby likes to kick me really low; many mums miss the kicks and flips about pregnancy but I honestly won't miss it! So painful plsss... And I still feel its a weird and magical feeling
-breathlessness; my asthma has come back. I don't know if its the haze but I'm indoors all the time. But I get super breathless. Like feel like I'm suffocated or wad and not getting enough air. Sleep has been super affected by this cause I wake up every few hours just to puff my inhaler. I have to sleep slightly elevated. And it's even worse if G sleeps on me. And I think baby L hates it when Jiejie sleeps on me. Baby L kicks even more violently and then I can't breathe. Thing is baby isn't even up my chest or ribs! Imagine if baby grows to that big and goes near my chest. By then I think I really won't be able to breathe!!
-I've had a night of random bad cramps a few nights ago. Thankfully it was only a one off thing cause the cramps were like period cramps but wasn't frequent to be contractions. The cramps also caused some pain in my back. And it happened when I was going to sleep which was so so uncomfy. I thought I had to go into Labour ward again but Yea nothing too alarming.
-I get so tired and feel so sluggish these days I honestly hate to go out but hate staying at home too cause I'm bored out of my mind!! Urggg...

Weight: 51.9kg still...
Total weight gain since Pre preg: 6.9kgs

I think that's about it for this week. Seeing my gynae and Uro on Thursday! Excited to see baby L again and find out the weight of baby(:

Really so over this pregnancy. Another 7wks and we hit full term!! Go baby go!!

Week 28

Down with UTI.. Again. Whats new right? And this week my anxiety has heightened. We are approaching week 29 which is the week i gave birth to G. So i am particularly anxious. Every pain, twitch, whether baby moves or not stresses me out.

I went to my urologist today and found out my kidneys are also swollen. That explains my super painful back pains. And then im all nauseous again today. Totally no appetite or when i eat i feel so lousy. And a few days ago i passed out some thick mucus. I was so worried it was my mucus plug but yet my gut feeling told me im fine im just being crazy paranoid. And yesterday i had some tingling pain at my belly. It only happened while i was driving back home but since i was at the hospital i thought why not go see my gynae. But i also felt some tightening at my belly and he suggested i just walk into labour ward so that can monitor me better. Yes im a woman with alot of problems -.-

Thankfully nothing is dilated or i wasnt having any contractions. My cervix wasnt open either. So everything is all good. My gynae even popped by to check on me and he suggested i take the steroid shots to speed up maturing of baby L's lungs just in case i would go into early labour. With G i only had 1 dose instead of the required 2 which i reason why she took so long to get off the oxygen aids while at the Nicu. So i do feel at ease now that my gynae has taken this precaution this time around (my gynae is different btw).

I have to go in tomorrow for my second dose. This jab is super painful!! When i took it for G i remember how painful and numbing it was. So when the nurse jabbed me just now i screamed and gosh it was the same pain -.- and mind you i do have a high threshold of pain so when i say its painful it really is!! Its been 6hrs since i took the jab and my butt still hurts. Fml

I have faith in baby L that he will make it further than G. But once i cross the 30weeks then i will feel better.

Soon we will be a family of 4. Sean and i are really excited to all the craziness! Haha