36wks n 3days/6wks n 5days old

Some pics first... 

Rooing my baby 

My favourite pic of her so far!! I can't help but smile whenever I see this pic! 

Saturday 31/5:

River safari cuz it was family day wif his work people. 

Oh n I'm using the new samsung nxmini (: 

Nose is super red as I was recovering frm a flu 

They let her try to be bottle fed n she was such a champ! Took in 5ml tt day n the next morning she took 12ml!! 

Sunday 1/6:

This was after her water bath which I think she kinda enjoyed. She screamed at first cuz I guess she got woken up frm her sleep but when warm water touched her body... She was all quiet n relaxed. 

Update on baby gwyn as of today: 

-she has moved wards which is still under nicu but we like to call it our presidential suite cuz it's super private n quiet 

-she's nw 2.4kgs 

-off the CPAP n back on the oxygen flow tubing 

-increase dosage of caffeine as she sometimes forgets to breathe in her sleep 

-took her 1st water bath 

-is being fed by the bottle (2 feeds out of her 8) 

She's realli doing so well!! It's jus a matter of jus a few wks till she comes home to us (: ahhh it's been such a long journey for Sean n I n I'm so glad we are almost at the finish line!! 

Do continue to pray for our lil warrior princess! 

35wks n 4days/5wks n 6days old: like a deflated balloon

Im currently at the hospital pumping milk out for my princess but feeling super heavy hearted 

I walked into the nicu n be4 I got to her cot a nice pretty n soft spoken nurse said "must be sad seeing her back on the CPAP again." My heart stopped n my mind went "waddddd!? Noooo whyyyyyy!!?" She graduated frm the CPAP to an oxygen prong like 4days ago n I was so happy. Nw I'm jus like a deflated balloon again. Sighhh 

Part of me is prepared to onli take her home on her gestation day which is exactly a mth away frm today. But yet I jus want her home asap. I'm trying so hard not to be mad cuz who can I get mad at? Who can I blame for her setback? 

Then thrs her neighbor (who the nurses refer to as her "boyfren" cuz whenever one of them cries/desats.. The other will follow suit also). He is abt 2wks n a few days older than baby gwyn n he's still here. He actually graduated n went to the other nursery but came back cuz of pneumonia n he's still having problems wif his breathing. His mummy came by jus nw n she was speaking to the nurse which I overheard the conversation "he misses u guys tts y he came back here. Nvm he's jus nt ready to move over. Give him time." In the most optimistic tone. N here I am feeling so dejected over this setback. I realli am trying my best to be patient n give her her time. But sigh... It's so difficult 

But then again I need to think abt those mothers who waited such a looonngggg time (like 100 over days) n their cases are way worse than mine. N she IS doing well. She's healthy with no complications... Doesn't need any surgeries whatsoever. I need to always be reminded tt she will come home wif us it's jus a matter of when. She's fought so hard for her life since day 1 n I jus need to give her more time. 

"The journey of a premature baby is often one step forward and two steps back. But when strong enough it's three big leaps forward and they never look back." 

31 days n 5 days/2wks old: baby blues

This pic basically sums up my mood today. "Leave me alone pls". Even my daughter noes hw mummy is feeling. 

Feeling super hormonal today. I can jus burst into tears suddenly or feel super pissy n grumpy abt every lil small thing. Of course seeing my precious lil angel makes me feel better but today I had moments of sadness when I saw her.

Every parent upon delivering their child gets to hold, smell n kiss their precious angel. I was knocked out completely n I didn't even hav a chance to hold her. I was like 1 of the last few people to actually see her. It jus dawned on me hw miserable this feeling is; nt being able to hold ur own baby. Esp for me since my pregnancy wasn't easy at all. All I dreamed abt n wat kept me gg is the moment when I get to finally hold my child in my arms. It's been 2 wks n all I've done is touch her. I can't get close to her cuz she's in a box. I feel so fail as a parent. 

But then again... Technically she's nt even out yet. If she had stayed in my belly like most babies do n reached full term... She would be 31wks n 5 days which meant I would hav another 8 wks n 2 days to even see her.

N most preemie parents wait abt a mth be4 they hold their baby (kangaroo them). I guess today I'm jus feeling super down n running out of patience. Like I want so badly to hold her, take her home, kiss her n be by her side 24/7. 

Hopefully it's another 4 wks till she needs to stay at the hospital. She's 1260g today, an increase of 45g frm yesterday. So I onli pray her weight increases drastically n she can breathe independently. 

"The best things are worth the wait." 

31wks: a wk n 2 days old

It's nw 4.30am n I'm sitting on my bed pumping milk frm my 2nd boob. It's been a wk since I started breast feeding n my boobs are realli used to it. My milk flow is crazy a lot tt my husband complains nw cuz we are running out of storage space soon. But my body isn't used to it. I'm so so tired cuz I need to pump every 4-6hrs.

My daily schedule: 

4ish am: Pump for 30-40mins, wash n sterilize bottles, go back to bed. 

9am: Wake up to shower n pump 

10am: post natal massage 

11ish am: early lunch 

1ish pm: hospital to visit baby gwyn n deliver milk 

My body is realli tired. Well at least I rested the past few mths (though it wasn't as restful as I wished it was cuz of the many complications I had but better than nth). N this is jus the beginning of things!! So we are both trying to adjust to this whole waking up in the middle of the nite thing. Initially my husband wakes up wif me n pumps wif me n all. But nw I jus do it myself cuz I don't wanna wake him up. Nw he gets a "free pass" when baby gwyn comes home he's doing all the wee hr feedings! Muahahahahahahaha 

Update on baby gwyn: 

She's progressing veri well everyday still. She has gained 40g as of date. Lesser tubes connected to her. Being fed 3ml every 4hrs. Moves a lot in her sleep! (So nw I noe wat she has been doing in my belly for the past 7mths. Her kicks/punches were realli strong!!) pees n poos regularly. All the initial testings hav come out gd! She has a few episodes whereby she would be in such a deep sleep she forgets to breathe. A couple of times I was thr n I panicked. I would hav a meltdown after. My husband would hav to calm me down. Thankfully for the past 2days she hasn't had such episodes which puts my mind at ease. She's still stuck at the hospital cuz she hasn't hit the 2kg mark yet. Once she hits it I believe she will be home wif us. So my husband n I calculated on average if she puts on 30g everyday.. She will be home in another 4-5wks which is wat we estimated too. So baby gwyn pls keep taking my milk n put on weight!!! 

I got these breast cups frm the baby fair n wear them at home cuz realli they look funni. But this helps collects excess milk tt drips instead of wearing the breast pads which soaks it up. Like abt 2hrs this cup is 1/2 full! Yea imagine my milk flow. I'm realli a mother cow. 

My milk flow on average each time is abt 120ml to 150ml. I must say I'm quite proud of it! Haha 

Taken yesterday (23/4). She has the funniest sleeping positions ever n she loves to place her hands on her face. Haha 

My heart simply melts whenever she grabs my finger so tightly n won't let go. She's such a sweetheart. 

Ok back to bed I gooooo. Both the husband n I are down wif a sensitive nose. Hav to be ultra careful these days since we don't wanna infect baby gwyn wif anything. I guess it's the weird weather n lack of sleep tt caused it. Yawnsssss 

30wks n 1 day: happy Good Friday all

Happy Good Friday all. On this day i would like to give thanks to The Lord who sacrificed his life for ours. He has been watching over mine n baby Gwyn's life so closely over these past few mths. Hes Our great God for even blessing us with baby Gwyn frm the veri beginning. And now Hes granted her with such a strong fighting spirit and keeping her progress so steady everyday. So Thank you Our Heavenly Father for all that you have done for us. 

Nothing much to report today just that she's doing steadily well. We went to see her a bit late today after she was fed n think she was havin a food coma. Totally passed out (jus like hw her parents are haha). Yesterday something magical happened. Her tiny lil hands were open so I put my finger thr n she actually grabbed it!!! It's a milestone some full term babies take a while to achieve but she did at 30wks old!!! Proud parents(': always warms my hearts whenever I see her. She's so precious n such a sweetheart. Ahhhh I'm jus too in love wif her. We both are. 

Pic taken yesterday. She's such a great poser! LOL future model? 

Mummy's finger 

Daddy's finger 

Taken today. Food coma n resting so peacefully (: 

30wks: feeling like a cow mooooo

Yesterday the nurses started to get my colostrum out for baby gwyn. It's the 1st nutrients be4 the milk comes out. I always Thot breast feeding was dam easy. But hell no. I'm in so much pain. Gd thing is I hav a lot of milk. Bad my boobs are rock solid all the time n it's so uncomfy!!!! So they hav given me cold cabbage to help soothe my boobs but doesn't seem to be working on me. Hmmm everyone swears by it. 

I call this my liquid gold!! Veri hardwork okay! 

Nt onli am I battling wif my rock hard boobs... But whenever my boobs are stimulated, my uterus gets stimulated too which causes me cramps n more bleeding at my vaginal area. Sighhh n then thrs my surgery scar tt is still so painful. Moving still hurts. But I'm forced to move more so it can help in my recovery. But it's so painful I honestly rather die. I battle wif the nurses when they want to get me to move. It's a nitemare!! 

Today I felt rather sad when I saw baby gwyn. She shrank n she's nt plumpy today. Well they say it's normal for babies to lose weight during the 1st few days of life but my heart realli ached. I noe she's fighting real hard for her life n it jus makes me so sad. Like if onli I could hav done more n kept her in me longer so she won't hav to fight this hard. It realli breaks my heart tt she's suffering at such an early stage. I jus had a meltdown today n I felt like such a horrible mother. 

But she's honestly doing veri well. She's so active n wiggling around her lil incubator. She's a lil jaundice so she's given phototherapy. I jus need to relax n surrender everything to God n my lil warrior. 

I wanna thank everyone who prayed for my family n I cuz these past few days were stressful n traumatizing. It touches us tt so many people care abt our lil warrior. Will keep updating her status here (: 

This was yesterday. She has sleeping patterns like her daddy n mummy. Too cute 

Under phototherapy.