Week 7

This week my Lil shrimp is a blueberry. There was one time we called G blueberry. I still remember I was in London, Borough Market and saw a pack of blueberries and sent a photo to Sean. Can't believe she was that tiny. Now Lil shrimp is that tiny too.

I've been paralyzed in bed all day. But I really don't know if its the nausea or fatigue but I just refuse to get out of bed. I don't know how the working mums do it!!! Like pregnant and still having to hold a 9-6 job. Madness.

Doesn't help that my cough hasn't gone away at all. Because there are limited choices of cough syrups my pregnant body can take. And I'm already so weak so someone explain to me how to fight this virus on my own? Siannn..

My appetite has been great since last night. After gagging and puking I finally felt better. So I messaged le husband to take me to supper! Yay (: I love that when I'm pregnant my husband becomes pregnant with me too. Like today he said "I grow with you ma!" Haha so true.. So he picked me up n we drove to get my wanton mee craving satisfied (: we had supper and watched The Maze Runner. Y did we wait so long to watch such an awesome movie? Omg slowwww...

Then tonight because he went back to seletar, I had to have supper on my own :( but I had macs!! Cause I mysteriously found Macs at home so yay!! With a bad bad cough I gobbled down a medium sized fries n 1/2 a fiery pepper burger! Now its almost 1 and I'm still hungry -.- good in a way cause at least I now shrimp is going to take all this food n grow strong n healthy! Go shrimp together we work hard to keep u inside as long as possible!

Oh hello morning sickness

And there I was thinking I could escape the horrible gagging and gastric juices in my mouth. Week 6 for G was the worse for my nausea. I couldn't eat and I puked quite a bit. With lil shrimp.. Well it was manageable. I had my appetite and I thought wow I could cruise through this.

Pfftt... Lies. Today's nausea hit me like a boss. And the fatigue.. Omg all I did was roll around the bed cause I was that lethargic and the nausea didn't make wanting to get out of bed any easier. I puked twice today. Puked out bits of my frozen pie and I just puked out gastric juices? Urrggg... Y morning sickness yyyyyy!!!? Y torture me like this!!!

The hardest part of my pregnancy with G was the nausea and infections (UTI which came along with high fevers and body chills). I'm just praying this time around my body will adjust better. The nausea just proved how erratic it can be!

Ahhh nausea please stay away from me this weekend! I need to feel like a human and go out and do things! I've been stuck home for the past 1.5weeks cause of G's, my illness and this erratic nausea. Sighhhh

In other news, my mum was staring at G and she said "OK la can have a other one. Shes so cute. The next one will be dam cute too!" Haha... Looks like things are getting better...

And I asked daddy to guess your gender. To us boy or girl doesn't matter as long as you are healthy and I can carry you further than 29weeks!

But then I'm scared. What is it like to be heavily pregnant? I didn't feel any contractions with G so what if I do this time? How do they feel like? What if my water bag breaks? How would I feel? Hmm so many questions which I have no experience in dealing with. Its both terrifying but exciting.

(Its now 1.10am and your sister is happily shouting at grandma. LOL)

Letters to my lil shrimp

Dear Lil shrimp,

Yes mummy n daddy have decided to nickname you as such cause daddy loves his hobby (u will find out soon enough when u are born) n the baby app did say when we found out about u, u were the size of a Lil shrimp. So how fitting!

Firstly mummy wants to apologize to u. I've been feeling all this negativity and uncertainty over u for the past few days and weren't really embracing everything. Its all due to shock and the trauma your sister gave me and everything still scares me as it was just about a year ago that I had her. All my feelings and trauma are still so raw. And I was so afraid on how your grand parents will react. Mummy doesn't have a job for now. So financially daddy n partially your grand parents have to pay. So having a second child just doesn't make any sense and it is worrying. That was my biggest worry cause I don't ever want you to have anything lesser than your sister. But daddy reassured me that he will take care of finances and we are okay. I trust him so that lessened one of my worries. But this would definitely be the ultimate worry of your grand parents (being realistic and all).

I told your grandma and she didn't take it too well either. She said everything is so fast. Her biggest worry is like daddy, will my body be able to take it since I haven't rested long enough and also my medical condition complicated things even more. I was honest and decided to let her know the first cause I needed someone to confide in about all this negativity that I shouldn't be having. But she didn't help much. Its the shock too honestly. But know that she reacted the same way as when I told her about your sister. But don't you worry cause your grandparents and family will love you just as much. Trust me when I say they love your sister so much given the circumstances. So I'm dam sure they will love you just as much too!

Finally today I confided in some mummies I met in an online community. All of them have given me some wise and kind words of encouragement letting me know I am not alone and will always have support. And I was watching the last episode of greys anatomy where I saw the image of a newborn baby being wheeled to see his badly injured father. At that moment I felt that instant spark of connection with you. I don't know how to describe it but the surge of happiness and love came rushing into me.

Forgive me for a took a few days but I am embracing you. I pray for good health and good growth for you my Lil shrimp. Together we will work hard to keep you inside me long enough. I don't ever want you to suffer and be apart from us like your sister did for 2 months. It was agonizing for all of us. So be well my child!

I am now a proud mummy of 2. I really can't wait to meet you (but as I said stay longer inside please).

PS... My mummy instinct tells me you are a boy. Hmmm

I love you even before you are born. And always remember that both you and your sister are very special to mummy and daddy.

Bake well!

Love,
Mummy

Baby2?

Last night was horrible enough having to battle my sick Lil princess. She isn't the cranky whiny kind (thank goodness) but I had a sleepless night having to monitor her fever and I just couldn't sleep. Personally I battled with weird cramps n bots of nausea which I had that sickening feeling of WHAT IF its #2? But I brushed it off thinking it was fatigue cause I hardly slept due to G's illness.

Then I woke up feeling even more exhausted, nauseous, breathless when I walked up and down the stairs these symptoms all too familiar. I messaged Sean and tears started welling in my eyes. Honestly I'm not ready for #2. I thought I was but seeing how amazing G is and how much love for G I have... I keep thinking to myself "will I be able to love #2 like how much I love G?" And whenever I looked at G I just felt so bad with the possibility of maybe cause I don't wanna have to share my love I have for G with another child.

Sean and I always planned for 2 kids. And I always wanted close age gaps but now that there could be a possibility I froze. The thought about having the juggle a toddler with weird sleeping habits, nausea, fatigue and a busy schedule, I'm honestly so worried.

We had a few pregnancy scares a few months ago which totally was dam off cause we took extra care. But at that point when the test came back negative I was a little disappointed as I thought I was ready for #2. Now that there is a possibility, I'm scared to my bones.

By the way I did take a pregnancy test just then which 2 lines appeared. Fml. I'm kinda hoping because it was a cheap one it was faulty.

Booked an appointment for tomorrow to confirm everything. I don't know what to hope for anymore. Cause if baby is growing inside now, I don't wanna reject it cause it can feel my emotions. But yet I have so much worries and stresses. All I know is that I'm super emotional today. Like I look at G and sob.. I hug G and sob. Sighhh...

(Dear baby2 if you exist and if you come across this post one day... Mummy is just in shock so I'm saying all this. And I'm also not sure with how I'm feeling or I'm dealing with everything. So please forgive me if I wrote anything that hurt you. Just know that you are special to mummy and daddy despite all the circumstances. You have a great sister so don't you worry. I know she will love you cause she has the biggest and most compassionate heart ever. For now grow strong and big and stay inside as long as you can. Please don't be like your sister so eager to see the world and pop out so early. Thank you!) 

G is officially 1 years old!

I'm still alive!! I've got tons of drafts which need to be uploaded but just waiting for the right time to do so. So please bear with me while I prep all that up! But its some juicy news! Here's a pic of G which I absolutely find super adorable. Wish it wasn't so pixelated though but it was a zoom in pic. I don't know about you but she's maturing too fast. Like her face changes everyday and its getting more mature? Lol luckily she's small size so strangers do come up to me and ask me "how old is she?" Thinking she is below 1. Oh yes today is 26th June 2015 which is her actual 1yrs old!!!

Oh we have come a looongggg way! From this tiny being to this..



Actually more like this foetus alien looking thing to a healthy strong baby!

We have been very blessed. Or rather God is really looking out for G. He has blessed her with such good health over the year and she only ever fell so sick last month. If you have been following me through my pregnancy to her birth and her growing years.. Well there is so much more to come! Shes also embarking on another journey together with sean and i. As a family we will grow stronger and deal with whatever hurdles and life changes together as a family!

Dearest G, you are officially 1 now (how great is that you get to celebrate 2 birthdays?). You came out 2months early. Yes we were worried mad. But looking back you wouldnt be the strong warrior and a lil girl full of wisdom if you had waited till full term. I believe your nicu journey made you the strong, determined lil girl you are today. And plus we got to enjoy 2 extra months with you to marvel how a small tiny being can strive and survive outside the womb. You are mummy and daddy's pride and joy; our biggest accomplishment. You have such unique relationships with everyone around you. Because your bubbly personality wins the hearts of everyone. We cant wait to see what an amazing lil girl you will become and what great things you will achieve. We love you with all our hearts G!

Moving forward

I've been a stay at home mum (sahm) for more than a year now. I've graduated from university for 1.5years. I'm still jobless. Do I regret doing the reverse: graduating, getting married then having a kid? No I don't. I absolutely love how my life has fallen into place.

Yes I had big plans. When I graduated I wanted to take a year to job hop and experience different things and find something I absolutely love and slowly build my career for 2-3 years. Then head to Melbourne to do my Masters in Monash. By then I would be 24/25 and have attained my Masters then get married to Sean and have a kid that very year.

Well obviously plans changed. Looks like now I will still be getting my Masters when I'm 24 but with little work experience or no career. But to me at least I know I have my certifications and I am doing some volunteering on the sides now. And I have the first few years to be with my child and watch her grow. When she's in kindergarten being busy with her life.. I will too as I start building my career. I know some people who only start their career at 25 too. But do they have a beautiful family like me? Nope. So I'm truly blessed.

Friends my age are either in their last year of uni or have just graduated, taking a gap year before they embark on their career or looking for jobs. Some are still partying, not attached or no where near finding a life partner. To each his own. But I'm truly blessed with everything I've got now.

A few days ago I felt pressured that I still don't have a career. But hey everyone's  paths are and will be different. There's no "correct" path on how you should be living your life or achieving what are what age. I know I'm not being a bum cause I'm constantly looking out for opportunities. But plans are constantly changing. Something exciting will happen soon and embracing all these change of plans.

Through the past few weeks I've learnt to live my own life and not bother about what and how others will look at me. Its exhausting to keep up with unnecessary comments and all the negativity. So meh... I'm happy can already!

2 children's emergency visits and 1 GP visit

On tuesday morning around 4am, sean and i got woken up by G's weird chesty and wheezy cough. But she still appeared very happy, busy talking and singing away. Luckily i checked her temperature cause i was battling with myself on whether to bring her to kkh. Her temp was 38 degrees. And we rushed down to kkh. Poor baby caught a viral infection. Was given a steroid med and we had to stay there for another 2hours so doctors can monitor her breathing and then oxygen level. Thankfully after 2hours she was discharged! Sean and i were exhausted cause we didnt sleep at all. She slept around 9am and off to bed i went too! Thankful sean took the afternoon off to help me look after G.

Then came night time where her fever suddenly spiked. My poor mum could hardly sleep as she was sponging her making sure she doesnt burn her brain. That was the start of her fever flactuating and all. Most exhausting next few days as she would be well one minute and the next her fever would be 39 and shes whiny and needy as hell. Which was very cute by the way! Haha

Thursday came and we decided to bring her to the GP again cause her fevers were high enough to be alarming. She had an ulcer at the back of her throat on tuesday which was the cause of infection but that was gone by thursday. So it was puzzling why her fever was still so high. But there was nothing much to be done as shes too young for antibiotics or cough syrups.

Then came friday where her fever hit the highest 40.1degrees! I made the decision to rush her to kkh and thankfully we didnt have to wait long because there were so many sick kids! G was happily talking and responding to the doctor despite a high fever so he wasnt too worried about the infection evolving into something more serious. By then i had came down with a flu and cough already. Dam this stupid virus seriously. She took a blood test and we waited an hour for the results and it came back clear. So we were sent home again

Saturday came.. I woke up with a fever, bad sore throat, cough and flu. Great I have officially been infected. Not a good time for me to fall sick at all!! I battled my fever and still went for a good friend's birthday party. But I was quiet as a mouse cause by night time my sore throat was so bad I couldn't even talk!!

By 12am I asked Sean to take me to a 24hour clinic cause I couldn't take it anymore. Waited 1hour plus cause for some reason everyone chose to be sick at this time too. Doctor says i was really weak (that i shall talk about why another time) Spent $190 (more ex than ane by the way but honestly best $190 I spent cause I do feel better after all the medications) Came home and popped all my pills and went to bed. My fever kept coming and going too. The amount of phlegm I had spat or sneezed out could probably fill a 1.5l PET bottle. Every time I swallow it feels like 2 crusty rocks rubbing against each other. Really FML this time.

Thankfully G's fever hasn't come back the whole of tonight. I guess she's better cause she's drinking my milk and she has passed the virus to me -.-

Now my sis and mum are coming down with a flu. But I'm so thankful for my family especially my mum for looking after G over the past few days. My mum hasn't fallen as sick like me despite having G sleep with her and not having much sleep either. I would have taken care of G on my own if I weren't so sick. So I'm thankful and G is blessed to have a loving grandma.

G and I are staying at my mum's this week as I'm too weak to look after her on my own and we don't wanna spread our nasty germs to the kids and family in the other house. Sean is also coughing already. So its best we 3 stay as far away as possible from each other. Hoping I get well by tomorrow!!

The most exhausting and trying week ever! G has never fallen this sick over the past year and I'm so thankful for that. This time there is some nasty virus going around and infecting all the children! Cause I know a few other friends kids who are down too. Sighhh... Must be the weird weather too.

Be gone virus!!!